America, it’s that magical time of the year, where healthy food at the grocery store is flying off the shelves, the gyms are filled with people in new coordinating outfits (I go homeless chic myself), closets are cleaned and organized, and as a whole, the human race is thrown in a tizzy because of resolutions.
Generally, by January 15th, Doritos sales skyrocket, I can use whatever machine I want whenever I want, closets are stuffed with Christmas crap we don’t want, and all is well.
Why, because everyone has the same resolutions. They make them, they have no plan going in, they think they know what they are doing, and it fizzles. Then they get depressed, buy more shit on eBay, get fatter, and the cycle continues.
I have come up with a solution though. Make some interesting resolutions. If you are going to change, if you pick something fun, you will probably stick with it. So here is a list of ten resolutions that will definitely improve your life, are fun, and probably be easy to try, or stick with.
1. Read more
I know, it’s time consuming. It’s tedious. The letters look backwards. (Okay, if you are dyslexic, this one might not be for you) Reading is fundamental, and will help your brain keep functioning. My Granny is 101, and reads every day. She is sharp as a tack. Well, forgetful, has called me Zac for a few decades, but when you have filled your brain with shit for 101 years, some get squeezed out. It’s called the “Bundy Principle” Nowadays, they have these things called audio books. You can listen to them, get smarter, and interject conversations with your intelligence. And lets face it, Hollywood is just regurgitating old ideas anyway, you could take a break.
2. Try a hallucinogenic drug
(Spelled that without spell check, because I read) I know what you are saying “But Uncle Jay, they are illegal” Look, I know many of you drank before being legal. I bet some of you smoke weed in states it’s not legal. I don’t even want to know what was done with that jar of peanut butter at the Spoiler Country New Years Party. Shrooms are legally microdosed in Colorado to combat depression. Ayahuasca has been used the last decade or so to combat addiction. DMT is produced in your Pineal gland. (I did have to look up their spellings) I can’t afford to go to Disney. I can afford a hit of LSD. I can’t find it, but I can afford it. Don’t drink Pepsi when taking, it’s horrible. Pork is magical.
3. Create something
Go to Hobby Lobby, buy some paints, and be the next Grandma Moses. Weld some metal together and make a statue. Whip out a pen and paper (savage), and write a short story. Get those juices flowing, because like sex, the more you do it, the better it gets (I’m going off of memory here gang, I could be wrong) We all have a secret talent.
4. Learn magic.
You can take this two ways. You can get a deck of cards, and become the next David Blaine or The Amazing Randy, or you can burn some sage, buy some salt, and learn some practical magick. The one thing they have in common, it takes lots of practice, you have to do some research, and really be pretty dedicated. Card tricks, you can do in front of the boob tube, while your fingers learn how to move, and be more flexible (I’m out, I can barely shuffle cards) Magick, takes research, respect, and also some dedication. There are many religions that rely on the rituals, and if you’re searching, this may open some doors for you. Do NOT half ass it though. I have watched countless horror movies, and they half ass their way through it, and next thing you know a book of the dead is terrorizing you.
5. Learn a combat sport
Look, I’m not saying to learn one so you can train for a title (though you can), or go to a bar and pick fights, but if you want to do something physical, to lose pounds, and have fun doing it, this might be your jam. In today’s society, kids aren’t allowed to compete, bullying runs rampant, and self esteem can be very low…get in with a group, be it a martial arts, mixed martial arts, or even boxing, and I’m going to throw in Power Lifting (I see that a LOT, especially women), and you get a ready made team/group, you will learn skills that will help you cope with being bullied, and also your self esteem will blossom, because you are in a positive environment. It’s hard, it takes discipline, and every action isn’t rewarded, but definitely teaches you life skills in a sneaky way. Plus, you’ll lose a little weight, gain a little muscle, and realistically, you never have to compete if you don’t want to, just train.
6. Take up fishing, or hunting, or camping
Everyone wants to voice opinions on global warming, the environment, game management, yet nobody takes the time to get any farther than reading the click bait articles on Facebook. In Illinois, we have all sort of hunting and fishing organizations. We have physical buildings for hunting and fishing clubs. They aren’t cheap to join. I admit, I think most of them are wanna be hillbillies. Yet, a big part of these groups are conservation. Every meeting they talk about land conservation. They bring in biologists to talk about the numbers of animals that are available (estimated), the number that should be taken, and what can best make that happen. Gun control, gun rights, proper technique, it’s all covered. I’m going to guess that most these groups lean a little right, but they are passionate about creating an environment where the hunting and fishing is good, and will continue to be so our kids kids will have the same thing available to them, as it was for them.
7. Bowl/ Join a league.
You will probably counterbalance any exercise you get with alcohol consumption, but you meet some fun people, you compete, you don’t have to be an expert (most teams love a person with a low average to lower their handicap, and it’s lots of fun. (Unless you are me, who gets mad because the god damn ball won’t go where I want it to) You could also do a pool league, dart league, or the summer there are horse shoe leagues, Corn Hole leagues (Bags to most, but this name cracks me up)
8. Play Fantasy Sports
Want to compete in sports, but are a bit out of shape? Want to argue with friends, and talk smack non stop? Want to learn who the back up catcher for the Marlins is? Do you need to know which NHL draft pick is a sure thing to be a superstar? Or perhaps which NHL player lead the league in Face Offs? Maybe obsess over a trade for three days, because the paranoia tells you that Phil is trying to fuck you, but you can’t figure out how? Man, you will LOVE fantasy sports.
9. Learn to cook
All you youngsters out there, instead of taking pictures of your plates, why not try to recreate what you saw. My ex wife would see a recipe, or perhaps hear a description, and get to work. It may not have looked perfect, but for the most part, she’d make it taste how I imagined it should. Now my son will cook, and come up with amazing flavors. The internet is filled with amazing recipes. YouTube is filled with cooking clips. Quit making cheeseburgers and pretending you are a gourmand, and spread your wings. You can even start cooking healthier for your friends and family, and it’ll be so tasty, they won’t care. (I will care if you try and feed me tofu, I’m a omnivore, not a sour cubeavore)
10. Get out of the house and meet some new people.
(Look, I know I need to follow my own advice) Make some new friends. The best conversation starter is “Hi, my name is ________” (yes, I though Slim Shady as well) I’m old, single, with older kids. I am a pariah to my friends mostly, because I can only tolerate so much time around kids, before they start to annoy the piss out of me (3 hours tops) Join a club, find a church if that is your thing (it is not mine), go to an art show (buy local artists work), take a class (cooking^^^), hang out in comic shops (okay, I love comics, this is a horrible idea (a group of comic guys is called a “bitter”)) Go see a local band, or a concert. One time, I went with friends to a Pearl Jam concert, without a ticket, and bought one from some guy who was getting married, and his bachelor party was the PJ show, and one guy didn’t show up. I sat by a group of strangers, but every time they bought beers, they’d give me one, because they didn’t lose out on the price of a ticket. (The bought me enough beers, it paid for half the ticket) They were good seats too.
See guys, these are some resolutions that are fun, some are healthy physically, most are healthy mentally, and none seem that hard to do. I am definitely going to try and do a few, and follow my own advice for once. I figure I will hit five of the ten this year, as long as I can score some hallucinogenic substances. If not, four. Who knows? Maybe more.
Remember guys, all opinions here are of my own. You don’t have to agree, because you have the right to be wrong. Spoiler Country has zero influence on what I write about, nor do they condone the use of mind altering substances (yeah, right!) They do ask you be kind to one another, and #fuckthesnydercut.
Find me @jaycanchu on Instagram and Twitter. I’ve decided those will be my go to social media outlets, and I will be weaning myself off of Facebook other than for my DJ business, and the memes with the cat.
All complaints go to @SpoilerCountry, and dick pics to @KenricX. If you want to be inundated with stupid (to me anyway) Star Wars content, go follow @rslavinsky, if you want to meet the most awesome guy in the world, then follow @Blizzard_Eli. Good tunes? @MiseryPtRadio.
I hope most of you have a good New Year. The ones I hope don’t, I hope you change your attitude.
Author: Jay Roach
Jay was born and raised within a 30 mile radius of Ottawa IL, home of Scotty Bowers and a guy who was in soap operas. His family was Catholic, somewhat filled with ’50 Ideals and conservatism, which they attempted to pass down, and lifetime Democrats.
Jay am none of that nonsense, though he is probably more liberal in social views than most of them. He's tattooed, has two wonderful boys who are both talented, one a musician, the other designing games. He have two ex wives that he still get along with. Jay have two cats (Chloe and Panda Lucifer) who are ambivalent towards Jay's existence unless wet food is involved.
Previously, Jay was the cohost of My Worst Holiday, and left on good terms but will still fill in on occasion. He now write nonsense articles about whatever grabs his fancy, from old Universal Monster movies, to lunch health, to lists that get stuck in deep in his head and has to purge them.
Jay is pretty sure he is allowed to hang around because he have watched a LOT of Burt Reynolds movies. (This is true)