It’s a Jungle Out There
America, today’s essay is a strays a little bit away from my regular topics. And by the time you read this, another chapter will be written to this, and maybe I’ll add it on when I get back.
A little background, that you can hear all about on My Worst Holiday’s episode “Can we get a kitty” or something like that. It tells the tale of how yours truly went to Las Vegas with some friends for the Mayweather/MacGregor fight. A little more detail, the week before I had been fired from a job (found another that day), and had put down our cat of 20 years. So not exactly an amazing week by any means.
So we get to Vegas, have an okay time, and Sunday, while at the airport, I get a text from my wife saying “Oh, by the way, while you were gone, I found a place to stay, I moved out”. And that is when my single life began, after, realistically, being married or in a relationship since I was 23. (I was 48 at the time)
Like most skills, if you don’t use them, they deteriorate over time. If you don’t believe me, go to a batting cage and hit in the little league cage, it’s like Nolan Ryan is throwing at you.
So I am 48, working at a new job where I have no contact with people but over the phone, all my friends are married, I live in a town of 300…so it is NOT looking good.
I’d like to say that I am 6’4”, 210 pounds, with a beard, and tattoos. I’d like to say that, but at that time, it was 75% incorrect. I had tattoos, but was shorter, chubbier, and clean shaven. Now it is only 50% incorrect, because I joined a gym.
I assumed that I would meet people there, perhaps some of the opposite sex. Let me clue you kids in. If you are a male, and want to join a gym to meet women like in all the porno’s, do NOT join a Planet Fitness. Sure, it keeps all the muscle heads away, and creates a “judgement free zone”, but between the #metoo movement, and the “Hail Woman” attitude there (which I am totally for, love people for them, not what they look like), I have literally talked to three women there since I started. And we two of them were in their 70’s. So needless to say, my gym idea is not working out.
Next, my friends had a few prospects. EEEEEEEverybody knows the perfect someone for a friend, and most of those don’t work out. In my recent experience, my friends all basically said “Nope, I can’t think of anyone”. Now, honestly, I began to wonder if their other friends were ghastly, or not my type, or was I the ghastly one. I think the answer is obvious…those son’s of bitches think I’m ghastly. Probably my personality. Or my poverty. Or I own cats.
So then I hit the computer. And there are hundred’s of sites so you can find your soulmate. Or a quickie if you have that type of game. ( I cannot confirm this, I do not have that type of game).
So firstly I tried Plenty of Fish. Granted, I got on there late, in it’s heyday, all my single friends swore by it. The plusses is that, being from a small town, there are still plenty of ladies in the area who use it, so I am not driving, in theory, to Chicago, or other larger cities by me.
What I discovered is Plenty of Fish is like when you tell your friends all about this pond where there are HUGE fish, with lots of fight, and are awesome. So they all come in, overfish it, and take all the good ones home. So then you end up with the small, weak, and not that attractive fish that nobody wants for one reason or another, and if you are patient, you may get something, but odds are you are eating fast food.
Now I’m 50. I am height to weight proportionate. I have a job. I have a car. I own my own house. (well, technically at the time I co-owned it, but I lived in it). I found out, if you are honest, they don’t want you. My mistake was putting separated. To them, separated = cheating. I get there are a lot of cheaters on there, who are getting more out of it than me, but I was totally honest.
Every woman in my age group was divorced multiple times, has kids still living at home, or grandkids mentioned. Key words here. “Has kids living at home” = “wants a dad for them, because theirs isn’t in the picture”. “Grandkids are my life” = “single a long time, have given up” or “raised my kids poorly, now raising their kids”. Other key terms “Crazy” = “pets are my kids”, “I am back on here”, “I don’t need a man” (yet you’ve been on the site for five years) “I’ve been on this site for 5 years” . Plenty of Fish is where women have dreams of 50 Shades of Gray, or that they will find a bearded, tall man with a motorcycle that will whisk them away to their dream location…in a trailer somewhere in central IL.
Next up is Tinder. If you are unfamiliar with Tinder, it is where all the young and hip people go to meet to have sex. Grinder is the other alternative, where men and women go to have sex with the same sex. For the record, I did not try that.
I was on Tinder for a year and a half. The concept is that you swipe right or left, and when you match with someone you can communicate with them. In a year and a half, with a lot of swiping, I matched with one woman. We had one mini conversation, and she deleted her account. So needless to say, I am pretty sure that I am too old for Tinder.
Bumble is an Ap, where the woman has to make first contact. It is relatively new, but I am still waiting to be contacted by a nonBot. I am not a fan.
The last one I tried was OkCupid. Once again, I’m pretty sure that I caught it after it’s hey day. Or once again, I am repulsive. Though I will say, after answering all of the questions on this site, I did match with a majority of ladies who were on POF that ignored me there. They also ignored me on OkCupid, so I guess that part of it works.
Now, I know that online dating has been great for people. I’m on Reddit, those couples can’t wait to share their stories. I am sure if I was ruggedly handsome like a Kenric or John, the women would flock to me. Or maybe, just maybe, if I would invest a little money, instead of using the free part, I would probably have more luck.
Luckily for me, I was on a high profile podcast, and as luck would have it, I may have found someone through that. Like I said, this is time sensitive, I am going to spend the 4th of July holiday and weekend with her. She has already made the trek from New Jersey to IL to meet me in person, and the people in my life.
Kids, life is too short to not be happy. If you are single and happy, so be it. If you want to finds that someone special, never give up the hunt. If you are above 50 and just looking to score, take that money you would spend on a dating site, and just get a hooker.
Happy whatever holiday is coming up next when this is posted
Author: Jay Roach
Jay was born and raised within a 30 mile radius of Ottawa IL, home of Scotty Bowers and a guy who was in soap operas. His family was Catholic, somewhat filled with ’50 Ideals and conservatism, which they attempted to pass down, and lifetime Democrats.
Jay am none of that nonsense, though he is probably more liberal in social views than most of them. He's tattooed, has two wonderful boys who are both talented, one a musician, the other designing games. He have two ex wives that he still get along with. Jay have two cats (Chloe and Panda Lucifer) who are ambivalent towards Jay's existence unless wet food is involved.
Previously, Jay was the cohost of My Worst Holiday, and left on good terms but will still fill in on occasion. He now write nonsense articles about whatever grabs his fancy, from old Universal Monster movies, to lunch health, to lists that get stuck in deep in his head and has to purge them.
Jay is pretty sure he is allowed to hang around because he have watched a LOT of Burt Reynolds movies. (This is true)