You know what gang, I have started and stopped this one about five times, because I just didn’t have the proper level of Christmas anger to get my feelings across.
Admittedly, I am not the picture of Christmas happiness. I would much rather celebrate Arbor Day, then Christmas. Firstly, I’m an atheist, so I get absolutely nothing from the greatest story ever told (after Clerks). Secondly, in today’s day and age, the gifts suck. There is no heart and soul behind most of them, you just get things, that people don’t really put much thought into, and they aren’t really a surprise.
That being said, I have become disheartened. Why you ask? Well, you probably didn’t, but I’m going to tell you, and it’s a good bridge to my point. I’m disheartened that people are so bored today, and the need for media content is so much, that they are shitting all over classic cartoons and movies, that shaped each and every one of us, in one way or another.
Every movie, every cartoon, heck, probably a few comics here and there have something inherently wrong with them. I got news for you kids…movies in the 40’s were WAY more racist then today. A woman might take a backhand because…well…it was accepted. Everybody smoked. Back then, doctors prescribed taking up smoking. There is a myriad of things that were portrayed, and nobody thought twice about it.
Of course, up until the ‘90’s, if you got out of line, or disrespected someone, your parents could beat the shit out of you and it was considered good parenting. Now, don’t read into this, I’m not condoning beating children, but the fear of a spanking is much more effective than the fear of a “time out”.
So on this note, I’m going to go over a few Christmas “classics”, and discuss why they aren’t appropriate today, but also how they can be used as lessons for your kids. It sounds dickish, and pompous, because it is. I’m guilty as charged.
I want to start with the most controversial one first, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”. Rudolph is a tale of a mutated reindeer who has a glowing nose, but wants to hide it because its different (body dysmorphia). Whenever he is around the other reindeer that pull Santa’s sleigh, they mock him, and flex their muscles (bullying). The dad is disappointed that his son isn’t doing what he expected (um…every dad before the year 2000), and doesn’t support him.
So he runs away, and meets up with Hermey, who wants to be a dentist, not an elf. So instead of facing their problems, they run away, meet Yukon Cornelius (egomaniac, inflated belief in self worth and ability), beat an Abominable Snowman (bully), and find the land of misfit toys. There they find like minded individuals, who make them feel normal (band, choir), which makes them go back in the fog, and Santa ends up eating crow, lets Rudolph lead his sleigh, and a lesson is learned.
The lesson, when you feel like a misfit (nerd), and find other misfits, you find out it’s ok to be you, and you come back and lead the reindeer (jocks) who haven’t evolved after high school, and become their leader (boss), and they bully you no more because they have a wife, kids, and a mortgage, and are forced to eat a big dick and listen to you. Basically, high school summed up.
Next up, that Ol’ winter classic, Frosty the Snowman. Karen decides to build a snowman. Professor Hinkle, a shit magician, decides that it is time for a career change, because he’s a shit magician, and nobody cares. In a symbolic gesture, he throws away his top hat, thus ending his magic career, and on to bigger and better things.
Karen forages around, finds a scarf, some coal, a carrot, and a pipe (everybody smoked then, even snowmen), and needs a hat to complete her creation. As luck would have it, Hinkle’s hat appears, and they put it on, and voila, they have the loveable dolt of a snowman Frosty. They march around town, they immediately come up with a song, and nobody questions a giant snowman walking and talking.
Hinkle sees this, and immediately wants his hat back, because he assumes that’s the source of his magic (delusion). Not realizing, if he’d practice nonstop, play the small clubs, and work on his show, he might get a bigger audience then playing kids parties (truth, pedophilia)
It doesn’t take a genius, but Frosty realizes that heat makes him melt, so he abducts young Karen, and they head to the North Pole. Luckily for Frosty, this was before Amber alerts, and kids actually played outside, so they probably had a few hours before anyone noticed Karen was gone. By then, they were on a train (hobo for life), with Hinkle and his rabbit on their trail.
Eventually they get to the North Pole, Santa sorts everything out, gives Hinkle a reality check and some career advice, takes Karen home, all is well, nobody is arrested. Could Hinkle be arrested for melting a talking snowman (capital murder)? I bet the X Files would want to dissect Frosty (hello!?!?! Crossover!!!)
A Charlie Brown Christmas started out as a giant Coke ad. No, not that snow, but Coca Cola. When it was first put together, the studios shit all over it because of the jazz music and the fact that Linus is reciting Bible verses. It didn’t fit the formula.
The story hinges around Charlie Brown, who has a really shitty group of friends, who are always down on him. (bullying) Eventually, Charlie Brown is this dude who talks in a monotone (depression). He has a cool dog (Daisy Hill Puppy Farm….seriously kids, check your local shelters), his dog has a little yellow bird friend (super power, doesn’t freeze in the winter)
The story is, they send out the guy who’s suffering depression to get a Christmas tree. He goes to the Christmas tree place, and pics out a Christmas twig. I really think he was passively aggressively telling his friends “fuck you”, you all shit on me,this is what you get. He then returns with the tree, his friends have a fit that he picked up this twig (I didn’t see them chipping in either), and are ready to lynch him. Then Linus steps up, spouts some Bible verses, puts them in check, and they get ornaments and tinsel, and magically make tree limbs and needles magically appear.
Not gonna lie. I’m not a Christian, but this is the perfect Christmas special in my eyes. Though I would substitute being around family and friends over Jeebus, but the message to me is the same, don’t forget the real reason and lose it with the chicanery of gifts and decorations. (The boy and I celebrate this message by not putting up any decorations, including a tree) *laziness
There are so many Christmas movies, I’m just going to give a quick description on why they don’t fly today.
It’s a Wonderful Life- This is the most depressing god damned movie ever. Georges drunk uncle loses the deposit, and ol’ George is going to prison because of it. He then thinks aloud that life would be better without him, and an angel comes down, to show him why he’s wrong.
His business is failing, he has a wife and kids instead of a life of travel and adventure, and he feels he has to save the town from a horrible man, because the town won’t band together and fight Potter…let him jump Clarence, let him jump. I’m right there with you George, I’m right there with you…
A Christmas Story- They show this movie for 24 hours every year, nonstop. It’s the classic tale of a kid wanting a BB Gun, and his parents telling him why he can’t. His dad’s angry (see Georges story), Ralph beats up a bully, his dad wins a lamp and swears a lot. I hate this movie.
Home Alone- Kevin’s parents leave him alone by accident as they travel to Europe. It takes them until they get there to realize he’s not with them. Where was DCFS? How were they not incarcerated with the two stupid crooks.
Fun facts, experts (I use this term loosely) examined this film closely and have come to the conclusion that the injuries caused by Kevin’s traps would probably have caused the “Wet Bandits” to die. Merry Christmas you filthy animals.
White Christmas- I had to watch this movie every year at my ex wife’s relatives house, because it was there favorite. It’s about a song and dance team (they existed kids), who take their entire Broadway show to Vermont, to save an Inn that is owned by the General who ran the platoon that they met. And more than likely to get into Rosemary Clooney and Vera Ellen’s panties. Not literally. The plot of this is basically so they can sing and dance a lot, I’ll be honest, I’m trying to black this memory out. If you like dancing, watch it. If you don’t, avoid it.
The last one is Miracle on 34th St. Macy’s hires a man to play Santa Claus. Kris Kringle claims to be the real thing. He can speak a variety of languages, he’s amazing with the children, and is warm and caring.
Of course, some asshole thinks he’s delusional, and puts him in the loony bin (is that politically correct), and it ends up in court. Then court stuff happens, and is resolved in an unlikely manor.
I actually enjoy this movie. Granted, I think Kris Kringle is batshit crazy, but it’s a really nice movie even now for the kiddies. I’m not real sure how this could offend anyone yet, but there’s a kid wearing a fedora ironically while calling himself a feminist figuring it out.
Happy Holidays Everyone!!!
Author: Jay Roach
Jay was born and raised within a 30 mile radius of Ottawa IL, home of Scotty Bowers and a guy who was in soap operas. His family was Catholic, somewhat filled with ’50 Ideals and conservatism, which they attempted to pass down, and lifetime Democrats.
Jay am none of that nonsense, though he is probably more liberal in social views than most of them. He's tattooed, has two wonderful boys who are both talented, one a musician, the other designing games. He have two ex wives that he still get along with. Jay have two cats (Chloe and Panda Lucifer) who are ambivalent towards Jay's existence unless wet food is involved.
Previously, Jay was the cohost of My Worst Holiday, and left on good terms but will still fill in on occasion. He now write nonsense articles about whatever grabs his fancy, from old Universal Monster movies, to lunch health, to lists that get stuck in deep in his head and has to purge them.
Jay is pretty sure he is allowed to hang around because he have watched a LOT of Burt Reynolds movies. (This is true)