Guide To The Best Stephen King Films (That I’ve Probably Never Seen)

Needful Things (1993): This movie is about a curio shop owned by a guy that says he’s from Ohio. This immediately makes him suspect because nothing good ever comes out of Ohio (I mean, maybe John Glenn, but that’s it). Later in the film we learn that he’s lying and he’s actually a demon from hell, which I just learned is a not located in Ohio (though I am not certain isn’t Ohio adjacent). I give this 2/5 disgusting bowls of spaghetti topped with chili (seriously: what the hell is your problem, Ohio?!?).

Shawshank Redemption (1994): I’m laughing right now because the one movie everyone bitches about being on cable all of the time is the one movie I know I’ve never seen. It’s penetrated the cultural zeitgeist so well that I could probably tell you the plot. Guy goes to jail. Magical black guy teaches him how to escape with a jewelers hammer. He crawls through a poop chute for miles and escapes to freedom. Later he sees his prison friend on the beach…or something. Voice over by Morgan Freeman. I give this 4/5 basic cables.

Dolores Claiborne (1995): I’ve never seen it. It has Kathy Bates and I’m assuming it takes place in Maine. Looks boring. 0/5 nothings. NEXT!

The Mangler (1995): If you want to know how short on ideas King was in 1995, this one’s about a possessed laundry press. It’s a commercial laundry press that kills people. I’m done, y’all. 1/5 boxes of Gain.

Thinner (1996): This was also during that era when Stephen King movies kinda lost their creep factor. It’s about a guy that gets cursed by an old gypsy woman and he loses a lot of weight. People would pay a lot of money for that kind of curse, these days. I give this one 2/5 Slimfast shakes.

The Night Flier (1997): I have never in my life heard of this film. At all. It’s about an aviator named Renfield (get it. He’s that guy…) that is also a vampire or something. I’m sorry, this is dumb. 0/5 bags of peanuts. Next, please.

Apt Pupil (1998): Okay. I saw this one and it disturbed the shit out of me. Neighbor kid discovers that the old man next door is a Nazi in hiding. It has Gandalf in it. It gets intense. I give this 4/5 punched nazis. Because you should ALWAYS punch Nazis. NEXT!

The Green Mile (1999): Tom Hanks adds another one to his list of “movies where he’s taking a piss (this time off of his porch if you’re wondering). I really enjoyed this film. Saw this on a date. Stopped making out to watch the movie, which is pretty good for an unsupervised teen in a nearly empty movie theatre. A massive inmate helps Tom Hanks pee again (again… dude, what is your problem? I get the porch pee, but every movie? EVERY MOVIE! You’re taking a piss off of something. This is some weird Freudian shit, dude!). There’s a missing girl and some pretty solid acting from everyone. Sam Rockwell and Micheal Clarke Duncan shine. 5/5 porch pees (they are pretty amazing).

Hearts in Atlantis (2001): Haven’t seen it. It sounds kinda boring. Anton Yelchin is in it, and he was rad. Sir Anthony Hopkins is in it as well. I’m sure it’s fine. 2/5 newspapers because the plot has something to do with newspapers or something. Ugh. NEXT!

Dreamcatcher (2003): This movie bored the shit out of me. It reminded me of It and I didn’t care for It. I like Jason Lee. I hope he got paid. 2/5 dreamcatchers. Uhhhhh… NEXT!

Casey Allen

Casey Allen is a writer and editor living in Alabama.

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