The new Warner Brothers film Joker (starring Joaquin Phoenix) is responsible for a more serious look at the iconic villain. This is great. That said, I’m really concerned that this new iteration of the Batman rogues gallery has taken a turn for the pathetic. Phoenix’s turn as Arthur Fleck has involved some really solid acting, sure, but acting can’t get you anywhere when your character is a dork-ass virgin. I mean, c’mon: are we goin to let the incel crowd co-opt the coolest character in the rogues gallery? No! Fuck that noise! With that in mind, let’s rank all of the best Jokers. The clown princes of crime that could actually get laid. Don’t give me any of that weak-chinned bs. Our joker’s like to fuuuuuck! A lot! (John! Hit me with a graphic here! Imma kick this article into high gear!). *Editors note: Don’t tell me what to do Casey.
Joaquin Phoenix/Arthur Fleck: Let’s start at the bottom and work our way up. Arthur Fleck. He’s the Joker, alright, but he has no charisma. He’s ostensibly “Fleck-cid” (Haha, get it?) awkward and his makeup is creepy as shit. He probably smells pretty bad. He lives with his mom. Arthur Fleck is the worst thing to happen to the Joker’s libido in decades. 0/5 Boners
Mark Hamill/Joker: Okay, we are doing a little better here. At least he’s not Arthur Fleck. In fact, he’s got a pretty rad girlfriend, considering that the Batman The Animated Series was the world’s introduction to Harley Quinn. That being said, what happens in the bedroom can’t be confirmed as this is a children’s show (does the Joker even have a bedroom? He seems like a “only sleeps in a padded cell” type of guy). I give this TV-PG/5 boners.
Heath Ledger/Joker: Ok…Finally we are getting somewhere. He’s dark and brooding. Kind of crazy. He’s the “first boyfriend” of Jokers. This is the Joker that a billion sexless nerds wanted to dress up like at cons and on Halloween (suddenly I’m glad that I don’t have any pictures of me dressed as The Crow from when I was a teen). This Joker has some experience. He’s not killing it by any standard, but it could be worse. To paraphrase “You know how I got these scars? Hours and hours of cunnilingus!”. Seriously, though: he doesn’t have to be so dramatic about it. Just grow a beard, man. That’s what I do. 3/5 boners!
Jack Nicholson/Jack Napier: This Joker is dapper as hell! Probably a good date. I’ll bet he knows how to dance and could probably tell you a lot about wine. He’s also a murderous psychopath. Point is, he probably has some game. Dude gets it in. His henchmen probably have a “do not talk about the boss’s girlfriend” agreement because girlfriends probably don’t stick around very long You know, because: murder. 4/5 boners.
Jared Leto/Joker: okay. If there’s one part of the job that I hate, it’s admitting that Leto Joker is actually good at something. He’s batting above his average with Harley Quinn for sure, but they’re both raving psychopaths, so maybe it’s not that impressive. I’m sure they’d have a great sex life if they weren’t locked up all the time. You can’t do the deed if you’re doin’ time…5/6 boners!
Cesar Romero/Joker: Alright, bear with me here cause imma have to tell you a little secret…Are you ready?
60’s Joker Fucks. A lot. He has to! It’s the sixties! Free love! Experimentation! Self Expression! This Joker was all about it! I know you’re thinking “who’d want to bang a clown?”. Ladies and gentlemen, have you ever heard of a band named KISS? Those mime looking freaks had long list of legendary hook ups, so it’s safe to say that our clown prince has quite a list himself, but a gentleman never tells tales. In fact, he was such a discreet gentleman that actor Cesar Romero was a confirmed bachelor til the day he died. That’s dedication. Especially when you’re sporting such a heavy-duty porn-stache. So, here’s to you Romero! You’ve been the most fun depiction of the Joker we’ve had. No one can sport a purple suit quite like you, and ladies (or whoever) love a flashy dresser. You are clearly the horniest of all the Jokers.
Well, that’s it! Thanks for reading this far! Comment below to tell me how wrong and stupid you think I am! Obviously I think you’re all a buncha dummies, but I’d love to hear from you. FEED ME YOUR HATE! I love about three of you. -Casey