The Halftime Conundrum – You Can’t Please Them All

Ladies and Gentlemen, we just finished up the biggest spectacle of the year (no, not the State of the Union), but the Championship of the National Football League.

  Now I know what you are thinking, why are we talking sports on this nerd utopia.  We are not (Go Rams).  This has absolutely nothing to do with any players, any coaches, heck, not even the front office or owners.  Not even the commercials that everyone waits for.  Not any of that shit.

  We are talking the halftime show.  This year, the very talented Shakira opened the festivities, followed by Jennifer Lopez.  It was a nice mixture of Latin beats, multi lingual lyrics, and some fine choreography.

  This caused a cavalcade of tweets and FB posts on how inappropriate the halftime show was, because they were dressed like strippers, used stripper poles, blah blah blah, wonk, wonk wonk wonk.

  The other half celebrated the fact that Shakira is 43, J Lo is 50, and both of them looked amazing.  It is obvious that both of them have physical trainers at their beck and call, eat well, and exercise daily.  Not to mention, both of them are known from their dancing, Shakira often does belly dancing moves during performances (which she did), and J Lo started out as a dancer on “In Living Color”

  There was hardly the uproar when Lady Gaga wore tight sparkly shorts and a half shirt.  All she heard about was that her stomach wasn’t as tight as it should be.  You know, because the people watching it are in peak physical condition as well, eating their nachos, taco dip, and sloppy joes nationwide.

  J Lo and Shakira looked sooo hot, that the nation didn’t even bother to get up in arms that they were lip syncing through most of it (J Lo was a bit off, so you could tell), and that half the performance was in …gasp…Spanish.  I mean, say what you will, if it was Pitbull and Daddy Yankee up there, doing half their stuff in Spanish, America would have shit bean dip.

  As far as I’m concerned, neither lady went out of their way to dress differently, to act differently, or sing differently, so the committee and sponsors all new what they were getting.  J Lo was in a full body suit, with her strategic spots covered, and Shakira was in a go go mini skirt, and a top that covered everything, so what is the big deal?  Adam Levine was topless and sweaty, and all I heard about that was “MMMMMMMMMMMMM”

  I think the biggest problem is, these women looked so amazing, that for once, the guys who bitch constantly about the halftime performance actually paid attention to it, and the wives felt jealous.  The question of “What has she got that I don’t” was answered, and painfully so.  Trust me ladies, your beer bellied heroes aren’t going nowhere, except for more beers.

  Every year we hear the same thing.  The game is for men, so why not have bands that men like.  I have heard AC/DC (though members are dying or have medical conditions), Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Black Sabbath (Ozzy is near death six months out of the year),  Pearl Jam (I know they are basketball fans), and almost every other rock  band out there.  I even heard one dingleberry who insists Weird Al Yankovich is the answer to what America wants (.000001% of the population want this)

  The hard and true fact is, the halftime show is not for the male audience.  Sure, it’s for some of them, but overall, it isn’t.  It is for the wives who are stuck watching the game, it is for the casual fans who only follow their team once they hit the playoffs, then become experts (Not Bears fans, they never get this far), or the people who specifically watch for the commericals and halftime show (92.3% were in drama in HS).  The game holds the fans attention, and the halftime and commercial holds everyone else, so most the TV’s in America are tuned in, and talking about it, and it becomes a bigger and bigger spectacle every year.  They have literally hit the perfect formula.  And…now that Brady is about ready to retire, and Belichick getting near retirement age, someone new can win the championship. (Go Rams)

  So men, when you are discussing who you’d like to see at halftime, remember, nobody wants to see 65 year old spandex covered balls.  Prince was a rarity, he could really play an instrument live  and headline.  Aerosmith was probably the closest you are going to get to a hard rock act.  Nor do we want to see a god damn accordion.

  So America, remember this.  If you are fine with sweaty, topless males strutting across the stage, flaunting their perfect abs and muscles, grabbing their cocks,  you must also be fine with fit Latinas (in Miami, so it makes sense)  strutting around the stage, showing off their perfect bodies, grabbing their crotches.

  If you say it’s because of your children, you’re a god damn liar.  The last thing the majority of youngsters want to do is sit for 3 hours and watch a game.  Those that do are more than receptive to Shakira and J Lo, and that extended bathroom break after, they weren’t taking a shit.

  Let’s face it, it’s going to be pop music.  It’s going to be family friendly.  The performers are going to market themselves so that you remember them, and more than likely it is through wardrobe or lack thereof.  They’ll lip sync songs more than likely, fake play instruments (I’m looking at you RHCP), and generally disappoint someone.

  I have news for you folks, it’s okay to like something, and not find a reason to be offended by it.

  Speaking of offensive, you can find me @jaycanchu on Twitter and Instagram, or on Facebook if you put a little effort into it.  If you get tired of my drivel, dig thru the site and look for Sara K and her well written articles. (will be a nice change from this crap)  If you want to read someone gush over Star Wars, @rslavinsky, cutting edge music go to Misery Point Radio podcast, or take an edible and start listening to The Not So Crazy Podcast of Blizzard the Wizard and Eli (TNSCPOBTWAE), and try to follow it…I dare you.  And everyone else I am forgetting. 

                               Keep Shaking it like Shakira

                                               Roachira