Well, shit. The holiday season is upon us. It’s going to be hell and you know it. You’ve got presents to buy, mandatory holiday office parties, get-together’s with friends, White Elephant parties, and (gasp) family holiday gatherings with people you probably only see once a year at best. Ugh. This is going to be a huge drain on the bank account. The good news is, it doesn’t have to be because ol’ Uncle Casey is gonna show you how to shoplift your way to a better holiday season.
Alright, first things first: we don’t shoplift from mom and pop stores, so don’t even think about doing this at your LCS, nerds. This isn’t just altruism or a moral stance. This is not shitting where you eat. These people know you. Don’t ruin your holiday by stealing a Captain Marvel Funko from your pal Lewis that runs the local card and game shop. He sees you coming in every week and knows your face. He knows your horrible taste in comics and he’s seen that you’ve been eyeing that Funko for a while even though you’ve talked shit about the movie (why? It was a good film!). He’s been agonizing about the month’s financials and dealing with some punk shoplifter won’t be good. Trust me, there’s nothing more dangerous than a pissed off old nerd, so keep to the big box stores and chains. Then later, when you see how much dough you’ve saved, you can go to the ma and pa shops and your local comic shops and drop that dough on that thing you’ve been eyeing. Really, you should treat yourself…you’ve been so responsible with your funds lately <wink>.
Another thing to be wary of: Karen’s. Of course you should also watch for cops, but Karen’s…Karen’s are everywhere and they will straight fuck up your day. The greatest weapon a Karen has is her smartphone, so you gotta be smart and lay low. Don’t attract attention and for godssakes, keep off of some busy-body’s Facebook feed. If you can dodge the cops and a Karen, you’re on your way to holiday success.
Okay, with that out of the way, let’s do some crimes y’all!
Gift Cards: This by far is the easiest thing to slip into your pocket and make a clean getaway. The only downside is that they’re unusable. So why steal something that doesn’t work? Because it’s the perfect gift to give someone you’re not going to see for at least another year, if not longer. Wanna impress someone that you probably don’t give a shit about otherwise? Give ‘em a $25 gift card. Hell, be really generous and give them that $50 gift card. Go big or go home, right? Besides, it’s no skin off your ass! Minimal effort (which, let’s be honest, even legitimate gift cards are super low effort) and maximum impact… until they find out that shit doesn’t work! Ha! By then you’ve hopefully gotten your gift and have already hit the road!
Grab ‘N’ Go: Okay, so this is a crime of opportunity. Don’t get too picky on this one, because it’s a toss up of what you’ll get. Most chain stores have a rack of random items by the front of the establishment. This is usually impulse buy items. Small things that you don’t need, but you’ll see them while you’re in line and go “well heck, I guess I do want a Pokémon phone case” (I mean, I really don’t, but whatever). The store puts them there to trick you out of more money. Well guess what? They say “impulse buy”, I say “impulse steal” (I really wish I was more clever and could make that rhyme, but we can’t all be poets). This is a great opportunity to pocket some stocking stuffers. Don’t get too carried away. There are plenty of Karen’s around just waiting to spoil the fun. Stay in your lane, Karen!
The Big-Box Clipboard Caper : Everyone hates big-box stores. Aside from being massive cubes of misery for everyone involved, big-box stores have done more damage to middle-class small business owners than any punk-ass shoplifter ever could. Wanna help even the score while ensuring a great holiday for you and your loved ones? Cool. Let’s steal some shit. So this one will take some preparation. You’ll need to acquire at least one store shirt (two if you have a partner) from the big-box store of your choice. You can find these for sale at almost any second-hand store or thrift store in your area. Then get a clipboard…extra points if you get the clipboard on a five-finger-discount. The point of this is to blend in. There are two immutable facts when it comes to shoplifting: One is that store employees aren’t paid enough to notice when someone is stealing out from under their noses, and another fact is that no one challenges a person with a clipboard. Now that you’re all blended in with your gear, find some stuff, put it in a cart and take it to your car. It works! Seriously, go supermarket sweep on this one. Given the new prominence of curbside pick-up at most of these big box stores, they probably won’t even notice til they do their monthly numbers. By then the Yule log has been burning for a good while, the eggnog has been drunk…and you are too! Damn the man. This is fun!
Dress For Success: We’ve talked a bit about blending in with the store employees earlier, but what about blending in with the fellow customers? You want to look as non-threatening as possible. Business casual is a good look because it’s boring and unassuming as fuck. It’s also helpful to wear a jacket with a thick lining, especially if that jacket has an inner pocket. The deeper the better. The thickness of the jacket will help to conceal anything hidden underneath or inside, and the deep pocket… well, that’s for filling up. Don’t drop anything down your pants because it’s obvious as hell. Don’t wear anything that stands out. Wear neutral colors. No blacks or reds. You don’t want to have anything on that would stand out in a crowd. As far as shoes go, wear something suitable for running. If you wear a hat, make sure it’s something that doesn’t stand out, and even better, something you can ditch if the fuzz (or a Karen) gets on your tail. Finally, and most importantly, don’t shoplift from a store wearing the same thing twice.
Make The Rounds/Spread The Love: Don’t hit the same store twice in a two month period. Get what you want and get ghost. Trust me, it’s better safe than sorry. Since you’re limited as to where you can go you should probably spread out your targets. Google is your friend.
Booze!: Remember those deep inner pockets in your jacket we were talking about earlier? What better thing to fill them with than booze? Going to a holiday party? Nab some vino when you stop for gas! Put a bow on it and you’ve got yourself a thoughtful gift got the host. If the store is busy (or conversely no busy enough) you’ll have eyes on you, so be sure to comparison shop. Grab a few bottles and compare them. Make sure that they see you put the bottles back on the shelves. Then walk out like you’re in an action movie and there’s a huge explosion behind you. Are you gonna look back? Not at all. You’re a badass.
Don’t Get Caught: Finally, my last tip is to not get caught. Seriously, know when to cut and run. Shoplifting might be fun for a while, but the truth is that given enough chances even the best sticky fingered ne’er do well eventually finds John Law on his back. When that time comes be sure to lawyer up and don’t talk to anyone that isn’t your lawyer…also, you didn’t read this article.
For real… like, you never saw this, ok?
*note: the author would like to stress that this article is satire and he’s never even been to the great state of Illinois, but he’s seen Ferris Bueller’s Day Off several times, so he gets the idea.