Rambo #5 – It Wrote Itself

America, I have to ask you…who is the greatest American every depicted?  Is it the pussyhound JFK?  (no, he almost got us nuked, and is a big reason we went into Vietnam)  Is it Hulk Hogan, who said his prayers, took his vitamins, and listened to his Mom? (or in reality, took gallons of steroids, should have listened to his lawyers, and threw around slurs like he did jabronis)  Is it AOC (if you think it is, you are an idiot), or perhaps our current President, Mr. Trump (Look, I get it, most of you don’t like him)

  It is none of those people though, it is John God Damn Rambo.  Rambo wanted to be a soldier since he was a young kid, so he went into the military at 17, trained, and became an elite soldier, specializing in jungle fighting and just about everything else when serving in Vietnam.

  Once he left though, America turned their back on him, didn’t respect him, blamed the soldier for the actions of the politicians.  Eventually, after all his friends were dead or dying because of Vietnam and the actions within, he snapped because a small town cop wouldn’t let him eat his cheeseburgers in peace, called him a vagrant, and decided to play tough guy.  Next thing you know, a whole town is blown up, and Rambo is put in prison.  (In the book, he dies) (Spoiler Alert)

  While in prison, the government comes calling, and they want him to get pictures of POW’s.  Instead, he doesn’t follow orders, and brings back the actual POW’s, because he’s frigging amazing that way.  Along the way, he kills a couple hundred soldiers, blows up camps in the jungle, and almost kills a government official.

  Next up, he’s off to Afghanistan, where he locks horns with the Russians, who have just invaded the country, and haven’t figured out that these people are tough as nails, will hide in caves, and will attack until they are all dead, which is never. (America knows, they haven’t learned from Russia and are in the same situation)  I don’t remember what happens, because honestly, this movie wasn’t very good, but better than I remember when just watched.  He does kill a bunch of Russians, but not near as many as the last movie.

  Then, years later, he’s working on a Buddhist temple in Thailand, when called upon by missionaries to ferry them into Burma.  He does, the military swoops in, then a group of mercenaries need ferried in to save them.  They mock Rambo as old, and of course, he ends up saving the day.  (It’s not a spoiler when there are sequels)  He kills a shit ton of people in this, it’s awesome.

  So this brings us to Rambo: Last Blood.  In our group chat, I was asked “Who needs another Rambo?”.  Let me tell you folks, America does.

  There is a subculture out there who understands that movies are an escape from reality.  That aggressions on the screens aren’t necessarily speaking to them, or a specific group of people, but they are called “bad guys”.  Now, for those of you who want to speak out for the besmirched, the looked down upon, the…gasp…minority…usually from your middle class home’s parents basement, a “bad guy” in the 80’s was whatever race, religion, or creed that was wreaking havoc somewhere else.  It was not a slight on all the innocent people in said race, religion, or creed…it was America fighting the bad apples of them, so that their lives were just a little bit better.

  In this last movie, Mr. Stallone is pitted against a group of Mexican ne’er do wells (I can boldly say Mexican, because they speak Spanish, and are in the Middle of Mexico, though they could be another Latin American citizen)  These criminals take girls who go to Mexico and party, drug them, abduct them, and then turn them into prostitutes.  Basically, how a lot of human trafficking starts.

  Unfortunately, this criminal empire happens to abduct John Rambo’s niece.  They drug her, put her in a whorehouse, and think they are safe.  John Rambo tracks down her friend, who leads her to another guy, who leads him to the house, where they proceed to catch John, kick the shit out of him, cut him, and let him live.

  Do they not have James Bond movies in Mexico.  Every god damn movie they catch the good guy, and don’t kill him, and then he comes back, and its their end.

  Look, I’m not going to tell you the story.  You know what it is, and you aren’t going to see this because of an Oscar worthy acting performance.  Hell, though he won an Oscar for writing Rocky, you aren’t even getting an Oscar worthy writing performance.  You are going to watch Rambo kill people.  Compared to the films set in Asia, he goes pretty lightly on the Mexican culture.

  So who needs Rambo.  America does.  This is for people who want to blow off a little steam, have a face put on an enemy, and a respectful American takes out another country’s trash.

  Mr. Stallone is a clever man.  He slyly (see what I did there) slips in social commentary to what seems like a mindless movie.  In the first one, he takes on the plight of the Vietnam Vet, because there were still a bunch of them around in the 80’s.  Next, he took a story right out of the headlines, about Americans still being held in Vietnam.  Then Russia invaded Afghanistan.  Then there were tragedies in the far east, and he turned his eye towards them.  And finally, he turned his eyes towards Mexico, and the fact that human trafficking is happening, and more than we suspect.  He did not make it a border/wall statement, but a human statement.

  I’m going to be honest, this movie was very short, 69 minutes.  This movie had one big named actor, and lets face it, as an actor, he’s an Oscar winning writer.  There are more than a few things that I want to call bullshit on.  First and foremost…how is this man allowed to have guns.  He has a LOT of them, and since he blew up a small town, I am sure he has a few felonies, not to mention a few mental health issues.  Secondly, his niece is injected with heroin.  He finds her asleep in a brothel.  He picks her up, puts her in his truck after he kills everyone in the brothel, and off they go to the border.  (Spoiler Alert)  On the way, she listens to how much he loves her (I’m assuming that, because Stallone mumbles a lot in this movie), and then a tear falls, and she dies.  That’s not how overdosing works!  Then he buries her on the property, and there is all sorts of laws against that.  Then there is the tunnels…

  Okay, I call bullshit a LOT on this movie.  In reality, I call bullshit in a lot of his movies.  I don’t care.  I like them.

  Despite its flaws, it is entertaining.  It flows really fast.  I’m a bit sad he didn’t kill his niece’s friend, but Rambo doesn’t kill women and children.  He has standards.  The writing was cookie cutter, the explosions were okay, and the kills were like an adult version of home alone.  I question if he really had enough time to get all that stuff ready, much like I did Kevin’s.

  So America, in this world of being politically correct, we need Dave Chappelle’s standup, Joe Rogan’s podcast, Spoiler Country’s podcast and website so you can read my crap, and John Rambo’s movies.  We need to stop the voice of the few who are on social media, and take this land back over.  We need to leave Area 51 alone.  Did we just lay around when the Germans bombed Pearl harbor?  Did we not cheer when David Hasselhof punched a hole through the Berlin Wall?  When R. Kelly was peeing on everyone, did we not say “ew”.  Did we not forget that Michael Jackson was an alleged child molester when he died, and went back to being a musical genius?  No We Did Not America, we fought back.

  It’s not a crime to be an American, but it should be to be an asshole.

  On that note, if you ever go to another country, start asking questions about their culture.  Ask them where they eat.  Have the natives point you in the direction of things they like.  Be respectful.  You’d be amazed how many people want to show off their country, traditions, and life.

Author: Jay Roach

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