Now gang, every few months I start out an article with a disclaimer, and I feel this is a pretty good article to start this out with.
In no way, shape, or form should you take anything I write to heart. The percentages I use are made up 87.43% of the time. My facts are coming off of the top of my head, so they may be muddled in the telephone game we call life. I do not care about popular opinion, and I generally fill these with inside jokes and references, so that I know I will get one or two laughs guaranteed. To note, 90% of my articles are written to entertain, make you laugh, and give you solid dick on whimsical adventures.
Now on to the shit show.
Gang, as of this writing, we are in a panic. The flu scare of 2020 is in full swing, the media has overblown it to the nth degree, and the liberals of the press are pointing fingers at the conservatives for the pandemic.
The National Guard has been called out in New York so that people could get toilet paper in an orderly fashion. People are going out in public to buy a years supply of hand sanitizer and toilet paper to get through the next month. Bread and junk food aisles are picked clean in grocery stores, so that they can fuel their quest for diabetes in their bunker.
That’s a whole lot of negative going on. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am a negative type of guy. If something can go wrong, dealing with me (believe me, some of it is self sabotage, you’ll see by the end of the article), it’s going to go wrong. I am a Shleprock (google it)
I am not a doom and gloomer. I have lived through enough pandemics, enough end of the worlds, enough divorces, that I figure if I can use a little common sense, I am going to skate through this, and I am not going to let the media or government stop me from enjoying what few things I do enjoy in life (working out, eBay, writing dumb articles, art)
I know, big words from an introvert. Believe me, I know that living how I was before is really conducive to me being healthy, but I really think that if we really look into it, there are some positives about the Coronavirus.
Here are a few reasons why this came at just the right time, and a few long term (I’m a big picture type of guy)
- On a personal note, there is great parking at the gym now. I wish this would have hit when it was cold for those two weeks, but I would say that gym levels are about 2/3’s full compared to normal. I have a friend, Fat Phil (I’m calling you out you pudgy bastard), who has suspended going to the gym because of this. In reality, he suspended it because he’s just going back, and excuses are easy. If you are worried, wipe off your machine before you use it (sanitizer is provided), and then wipe it off after. I love that people are wiping things down like a crime scene that has their DNA all over it. Double positive, good parking and proper wiping down. One of the best ways to boost your immune system is to lead a healthy lifestyle, and work out. Boom! I’m practically a god damned machine.
- Since all the junk food aisles are pretty picked over, I am forced into making proper food decisions. The fresh vegetables and fruits are stocked full at my local stores, plenty of salad, the meats are a little picked over, but if you are patient, or ask politely, they have what you need. Guys, if you plan it right, and get the right cuts of meat, you can make meals that will last a few days, and are economically efficient. I made chicken and rice, $4 worth of thighs (6), black beans $1, Corn $.65, Diced Tomatoes with garlic and onion (fancy $1.19) and I literally have lunch for the week for $7. Granted, I am feeding one person, but a big ol’ pot of spaghetti doesn’t cost much, and can last for a week.
- You find out which of your friends are assholes. Bear with me, this has a couple levels. If you have a friend who has a garage full of toilet paper, water, sanitizer…they are an asshole for one of two reasons, but sometimes you are lucky, and it’s both. This piece of human filth is either denying the people in their community to get the basics they need to survive, or they are profiteering. Now, there is just me and the boy at my home, I have 24 rolls of 2 ply, we are good until October. Men use less toilet paper. If you are like Overlord John, he has 23 children, so he’s going to go through more toilet paper. Ol’ Kentucky and Eli are living the single life, so they can realistically get by using McDonald’s napkins. Now for the people profiteering, I would like to see all their names printed in the news after this. Granted, not many read the newspapers any more, but I would buy it just to see the list of shitwhistles in the area who went on eBay, Facebook marketplace, etc, and tried to screw their fellow man. Fun fact, we have a small grocery store by us, and I was talking to a local, and they said “Can you believe the store jacked up their toilet paper prices?” I asked if he had ever bought paper goods there, and they admitted no, they go to WalMart. I then explained that they didn’t jack up the prices, they are always that expensive. But I can get a steak cheap.
- Family bonding. Not my family. It’s me and my oldest. We see enough of each other. When we bond, we go out to eat. Since our corrupt governor has shut down that option, we will do what we normally do, which if individual pursuits. I hear that some families actually play board games, watch movies, and interact. You have two weeks (minimum) of the kids being home, it’s still cold and wet out, prime time to make some memories.
- Six months from now, you will get a real good feeling on how much the media controls the mass thinking. I have family and friends in a panic, fearing for their lives, because of a nasty pneumonia/flu strain. Guys, If you are elderly, or you have a compromised immune system, stay home. You should have people in your lives that are healthy, who can go out, get you what you need, and you can reimburse them. I know it sucks having to stay home for a few weeks at a time, but apparently it beats dying. And you healthy people should check up on those in your lives who are elderly or compromised. I called my mom (74) yesterday, and asked her if she needed anything. She then told me it’s all a load of bullshit, and she was going to go play cards with her friends. She said that my grandma was in her own little world, and wasn’t going out in public anyway, so all is good. Don’t be afraid to reach out, either way. This is going to prove to be less deadly than H1N1 was (in the US), yet we didn’t have the media beating us over the head, fear mongering, reporting worse case scenarios.
- Community is stronger. With some jobs being suspended, schools off longer than expected, I do see a lot of offers of help. A local auction place offered a few part time positions for a few weeks. People who can are offering to provide breakfast goods for people who’s kids might go without otherwise. We have a lot of free meal programs in our schools, and I think this is wonderful. I can only hope this doesn’t end when they get a vaccine, the world goes back to normal, and all is well.
- Nerd friendly times. I went to a comic show this weekend (survived (obviously)), and the best thing I saw, other than a decent turnout, was a 400 pound guy walking around in a gas mask. I am not sure if he was being serious (if so he’s a jackmuffin), or if taking a piss on the whole situation. (he wore it the whole time I was there) Dude, the heart disease is going to kill you way before Covid19. I did get some good deals, was easy to get around, and everyone was friendly. I did go to see a friend who was supposed to set up, but he didn’t because he is compromised health wise, and was smart about it. It is also an excellent time to go to your Local Comic Shop, pick up an bunch of books or Trade Paper Backs, and read them with your kids, introduce them to some awesomeness, and open their eyes to how reading can be fun
- Be creative. As some of you know, other than writing, I also like to create art. So far, since the pandemic started, I have produced nothing. Not a single picture, not a single drawing, nothing. After this weekend, my mind has a few ideas, so now I will get on it, and thrill you with my ideas. Or get my usual six likes on IG (thanks Eli and Jacob for providing four of them) My son produces music. My other son designs things. I have been fleshing out a future podcast. (Picture these articles with more dick jokes)
I can’t think of two more, but if you do, please feel free to comment them. The most dangerous part of this article, is it will mess with my OCD all day, because I like things to end in 0 or 5.
Guys, seriously though, please check on your loved ones. Check on the unloved ones. We are a community first. If someone is in need, help if you can. If you do things for other people, that you’d hope they would do for you, good things do happen. Believe it or not, I do like some people. I like the thought of a strong community more.
If you have the time to read this, then you have time to check out the other fascinating articles spread all throughout the #spoilerverse. All of them are much better written, way more factual (maybe not Robert’s), though not near as funny.
We probably have a whole days worth of stuff to read, so you can ignore your screaming kids, on a wide variety of subjects, from the K Files by Sara K (spooky, well written, researched), Eli writing about Deeper Memeing (researched), Robert and Colton on Pop Culture and movies (opinion and researched), to Casey (whatever he wants, he’s hilarious and is a MoonPie champion)
Or listen to some podcasts. We are the #Spoilerverse, there are lots of them, and I will forget one because I’m doing this off the top of my head, and I will feel bad.
For once I’m glad most my friends are on the internet