America, it’s that time of the year, where large men in masks invade our space, or our dreams, and wreak havoc on small towns across this great land of ours. Heck, by the map, I am realistically an hour and a half away from Haddonfield for Christ’s sake! I saw a documentary on what happened there…AND the remake…AND I haven’t seen the remake of the remake of the original.
Now, before any of you get your panties in a bunch, I feel it’s time to give you all a little reminder about Ol’ Uncle Jay’s writing style. I am not always politically correct, so if that bothers you…stop now. I sometimes lie, or make up statistics, and if you take anything I write as gospel, then you are an idiot. We did a survey, and 86% of people understand this, don’t be part of the 14%. I have opinions that aren’t always in alliance with the masses. If this riles you up, and you want to talk to others about some dumb ass thing I have written or said, then good, your gray matter is now working, and you are welcome.
Now, onto the survival guide, now that you know how to survive my writing. Pro tip, on each caption for the photos is a link to a review of the movie used for the graphic, so read them all.
If you are in a situation where a large person with a mask is chasing you, do NOT stop and have sex. Every god damn movie, a guy with a machete is chasing kids, and a fear boner pops up. My hat is off to the guy who can talk a chick into sex while chaos is all around them, but you are realistically making yourself an easy target. Once daddy gets his groove on, I’m not stopping for anything less than a pike skewering the both of us, and then I can die happy, going out how I like.
Avoid movie minorities. In the 70’s, you avoided the black guy like the plague. You KNEW he or she was the first to go. But the world has changed, and now it is safe to say, if you are the only white guy around a bunch of black guys, you are going to be the first one killed off. So gang, until we get movies where it is an even mix of people, take a look around the room/camp/campground/party, and if you are a different ethnicity than most, you are probably doomed.
If you are in the woods, stay still. Serial killers are like Raptors, if you aren’t moving, they are more than likely not going to see you. If I find a nice dark place that I can tuck myself into, I’m going to sit there all night long until morning, when it’s light, I can see where I am going, and I can see who might be chasing me. I’m not getting all cocky, and moving around, because they can see that. They’ll get you.
Don’t go outside to pee. That’s how they pick off one of the first ones. And if someone has gone out to pee, and doesn’t come back, don’t go look for them. It’s a classic move used throughout history. In fact, if it’s too the point your friend is screaming for you, it’s a trap. Jason sliced his wiener off, has him tied to a tree, and is luring all of you in. Danny Trejo was bait in Predators, it’ll happen to you.
Never look behind you when running. You’re going to trip, you are running in the dark. Much like life, you need to look ahead, plot a course, and realize the things behind you are just going to mess you up.
If you are in the woods, have a satellite phone. And then leave it at a place that is hidden, but you all know where it is. Do NOT let one of your idiot friends hold it for safe keeping. You are guaranteeing that they are going to die soon, and that you are then phoneless. Michael may not be the most agile, but for some reason it seems that they loot the bodies.
If you are in a building, work your way down, not up. What are you going to do…fly? No, you are going to end up on a roof, and you are going to have to jump to your death, or get a machete colonoscopy. If you work your way down, and get ahead of the malevolent force, it gives you time to figure a way out, maybe find some keys because you stupidly locked all the doors…and while we are at it, don’t lock the doors.
Don’t turn around and fight. Look, I know what the movies show, and I know that there are instances that a smaller person has beaten a larger one, but realistically, A guy that is 6’6, 300 pounds, is not getting his ass kicked by a guy who is 5’10, 180 pounds. It isn’t going to happen. Not in real life, unless the 5’10 guy is Bruce Lee, or someone that is so skilled in fighting. This isn’t wrestling damn it, it’s real
If you think they are dead…they aren’t. It’s a ruse. A clever ploy to make you think they are dead, and then they grab you. Fuck that. You see a body lying there, avoid it like the plague. It’s probably more deadly than the plague. If it’s your friend, well, just assume it’s your late friend.
Get away! Don’t be hanging out where the dude is. He is looking to kill you, your family, your friends, whoever is in the vicinity. They don’t care. They are in annihilation mode, they have one goal, kill all that they see. Common sense says, if they can’t see you, they won’t kill you. So make like Michael Jackson and Beat It….just Beat It…Woooo!
Hang out by the fat guy. Look, I know it’s insensitive, but if I have some boogeyman chasing after me, a fat guy is getting winded, and by the time they’re done slaughtering the tubbo, you have escaped, found a hiding space, and not had sex with anyone, because you’ve read 1-10.
Don’t call the cops. Do you want to lead lambs to slaughter? They’ve listened to drunk people all night long lie, they can’t proper billy club a moron, let alone shoot them, so really…what are they going to do. The only instance you should call them is if you have a good hiding place, a satellite phone, and the monster is between you and the best escape route. Then you call the boys in blue in, and when it goes to kill them, you skeeeeeeeeeeeedaddle.
Be quiet. Look, I know you’re scared. I know you want to hyperventilate. I know you’ve been running. I know you just want to cry. That’s what therapy is for later pussy. Shut your pie hole, control your breathing, stay still, and life. If you see someone who’s dramatic, emotional, or out of shape, you need to tell them to find a hiding spot that is away from the escape route. Machete Man is going to hear their dumb ass crying or breathing, and split their melon in two with a guitar or something. While that is happening, you just slip away, write a book about it, make the talk show circuit, and rake in the bucks off of your friends stupidity.
Gang, that’s all I got. There may be more. There may be less. I hope if 98% of you is in a situation, that this comes into your memory, and saves you. I’m a realist though, and at least 2% of you is going to do something stupid, and get caught.
Let’s be honest, these rules apply to many other things. Surviving a project in the office, running from the police, avoiding a teacher when they are looking for a volunteer…you can take more than a few of these, and probably be successful (the Overlord John and Kentucky Regan stress that they do not recommend running from cops…or running in general for that matter).
Keep cool, avoid machete’s, find a safe spot, and do NOT live Tweet it. But follow me on twitter and IG at @jaycanchu.
Drink Pumpkin Spice