Gang, we all know that there are movies out there that we are supposed to love, get all misty eyed over, and sing the praises far and wide. That also goes for movie franchises. There are beloved franchises, that if there is even a rumor that they are coming out, people are running out, getting their sleeping bags, and lie in wait.
I don’t have that gene in me. I like what I like. I am not genre specific. I like to think I am all over the place, and don’t lock down, but we all have our prejudices, and that keeps us from some movies.
Here are a few that I just can’t stand. I’ve tried, I’ve watched some or all the movies, and will hopefully never see them again.
National Lampoon’s Vacation
I’m not a fan of Chevy Chase. As a person he’s abhorrent, and as an actor he is worse at that then he is at being a person. Now I understand why they are funny, and there are a scene or two that did make me laugh in each movie, but for the most part, they did nothing for me. Maybe it’s Mr Chase, maybe it is the rotating cast of kids, or maybe it’s all the god damn references to them every day of the year, but when I see them on, I’m turning the channel, or if at someone’s house, I’ll try to avoid them by going in another room
Full disclosure, I have only seen the first three. Full disclosure, I have never made it through one of these movies without falling asleep. Midget Tom Cruise as an action star has never really got my juices flowing, and this follows that path (though I like the Jack Reacher movies, he is still wrong for the role). They keep describing it as a breakneck, cutting edge, action flick, so why do I keep falling asleep through them?
Fast and the Furious
Please stop making these. If you buy a ticket for these crapfests, do you get a free can of Monster. The FBI can catch a guy who licked a stamp 25 years ago after he got a summons for jaywalking, and they can’t catch these gearhead goofs? I think they don’t even bother writing scripts any more, they just come up with cool stunts, piece them together, and then run the fucking commercials nonstop until you give in and go see it.
This Franchise died after episode 6, and nobody bothered to tell the fans, because they have gone to 7 more movies, and only 3 of them were worth watching, and two weren’t part of the main story. George Lucas was so cutting edge, so ahead of his time, and I fell in love with Star Wars. It was my favorite trilogy for years. And then Episode 1 came out, the scripts got weaker and weaker, and then you realized they were either for merchandising, or to make a political statement, and that they’ve thumbed their collective noses at the original fanbase.
I’m old enough that Transformers were not a part of my life. By the time the toy came out, I was on to girls, and could have cared less. Then the cartoons followed, and see the above excuse. Then the movies came out, and other than Megan Fox in tight clothes, they were just boring. Not to mention the fact that when they fought, the CGI just made it seem like a bunch of parts swirling around, and you couldn’t tell who was who. I tapped out halfway through the third one, and was very happy I lost all these movies in the divorce.
He fucking glitters, and really, it is the Seinfeld of movies, you build up to…nothing.
I dislike children. There is no god damn way a 7 year old is smart enough to outwit two professional criminals. In reality, the mom and dad should count the kids. I don’t care how hectic it is, you’re going to notice a missing sibling. Next, how did DCFS not step in, and take the children away. Try going to France and leaving your kid at home, alone, and they are 7, not only do they yank that kid, their siblings, the assholes of social media will shame you forever, sharing that article like it happened yesterday, every other day, for at least a decade. You know how I know that, because I just saw an article that Sorrel Brooks died…he’s been dead for years. At least there is a cameo of the man who saved our country.
Everyone jerks off Christopher Reeves as being the best Superman ever. (they are incorrect, I have your back Henry) I liked the fact that you got a more cartoony feel to them than the current one, but to be honest, they are all plagued by bad scripts, and bad acting for the most part. (not Henry, but the scripts and directing are questionable in his case) I love Super Hero movies, and these are just snooze fests. In that time though, there wasn’t any other Hero movies out, so people were just thrilled that one was out, so it was the be all end all.
Fifty Shades of Gray
I like sex. I like handcuffs. I like thinking out of the box in the Thunderdome. I sadly saw one and a half of these movies, and attempted to read the first book, and I honestly can’t decide what sucked up more of my life, chewed it up, and shit it out. The books are just horseshit. Her writing is horrible. The plot is ludicrous. Luckily the 50 million women who read it had good imaginations, because it allowed them to waste money on tickets to see the movies that were as good as the books. Millions of women now claim that is the relationship spice they want, until you whip out that cat o’ nine…but I regress. Much like Twilight, I’m glad it was a close ended book.
If I believed in hell, this is the movie that is playing in the background as Hitler shoves a pineapple up my ass.
There are others. These are the ones that stick out. Honorable Mentions go to the following franchises. Sex in the City, Meet the___________, Hot Shots, Any Jaws after the original, Any Exorcist after the original, Planet of the Apes, Beverly Hills Cop, any Ghostbusters after the original, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Karate Kid…These are just the A list movies, I haven’t even got to the B, C, and D list series.
But one man’s trash is Robert’s goldmine, so who am I to say. Remember gang, I never said I had great taste, but I do know what I like, and these franchises definitely aren’t it.
Send all hatemail and comments to @jaycanchu on Twitter or Instagram, or find me on Facebook. If any of these send you into a murderous rage, PM me, I will send you my work address. If you have Tomb of Dracula comics, I will accept them, and give them a loving home.
J “Mr No Fun” R