I Didn’t Choose the Fanny Pack Life – The Fanny Pack Life Chose Me

Greetings Spoilerverse patrons!!! It seems like it has been months since I have written anything, when in reality, probably a few weeks.
I was pretty bored during Coronatine, so I was quite prolific. A little inside information, with the site being changed up some, and other big changes that happened, my release schedule was a bit messed up, so I have a glut of articles saved.

So here I am, with an article you have all eagerly anticipated…well, maybe Eli has, and I am ready to entertain. During the Coronatine, Ol’ Mista J discovered a few things, and when I learn, you all learn. First, if you get a cut on your foot, and you are diabetic, you need to take care of said cut, or it can lead to a horrible infection, and possibly cellulitis, and as a service to you, I managed to do all that. So you didn’t have to. I highly not recommend it (0 out of 5 stars).

Second, you can only bake chicken with so many flavorings, before you really don’t want to eat chicken for a long while. I still choke it down, because its healthy and a good source of protein.

Third, and most important, I enjoy being a man of leisure. By that, I mean that I much prefer shorts or workout clothes, to jeans or slacks. To the point, since March 17th, I have worn jeans once, and slacks 3 times (two weddings and a funeral) (no, that is not a stupid Tyler Perry movie…yet)
The drawback to all of that, is that your wallet and keys tend to drag your workout clothes down. I still wear a lot of old shorts, so I cinch them up with belts, but honestly (not bragging…much), they are too big, and I’m always pulling them up. (I can’t imagine how the overlords aren’t just walking around in boxers with how full their wallets are.)

So one of my son’s friends was promoting his clothing line (ChiSongwriter.com), so when I was looking to purchase something to support, I saw them. That’s right, they called out to me, and I bought me a fanny pack. Then promptly forgot about it.

Now, I have spent the majority of my life mocking people who wear these atrocities. I thought that they were absolutely ridiculous, and wouldn’t be seen DEAD with anyone who was wearing one. I had forgotten I had an aunt who wore them all the time. I tried not to be seen with her when she was doing so.

I’d like to now issue an apology to all of the people, throughout the years, who I have made fun of. Whoa whoa whoa…for fanny packs. The rest of you can keep waiting for an apology that may never come. @rslavinsky on Twitter

I’m sorry gang. They are amazing. They fit on my hip like a gunslinger’s belt. I can carry my wallet and keys so I’m not jangling around, and also a few flavor packets for water, for when I need that little boost. You can keep a few blister packets of meds for allergy, or whatever else you are taking. I may or may not have seen people keep illegal substances in them throughout the years. I don’t partake in most of them, so I never had the need to purchase any, but I have heard some rumors.

Now my pants stay up. You can droop a t shirt over it, and people only give you a dumb look when you get your cash out. I usually keep a few bucks in my pocket, to stop the in and out of it, but still.

I get home at night, and instead of having to pat down each pocket, then not trusting my patting ability, I have to check each one, I can just unsnap it, and hang it on the door knob. Speaking of patting down, I am a bit OCD, so I pretty regularly patted myself down daily, and that has all but stopped!
Now look. I understand that there are a few things that fanny packs can’t do. I strongly suspect, since joining the lifestyle, that the odds of my finding someone to go on a date has plummeted. If you have read my previous article on dating sites, go…we’ll wait…starting to cool off here, good sleeping weather…job has been busy, everyone wants a roof before winter after that storm…okay…you done, it is so much harder to find someone to date at my age anyway, I have pretty much nailed down the lid of my coffin closed on that part of my life. I’m probably not going to win any fashion awards. I’m more than likely going to embarrass my oldest son when I wear it with him. My non believing friends, the fanny mockers, have already started referencing it.

I just smile, and bask in the freedom that the fanny pack lifestyle gives me, and look to the future.

Gang, some new and exciting news, I have started a page on Facebook called “AntiStar Creations”. You can not only find my articles there, but you can also go through and check out my art, what I’m working on, and maybe someday I’ll podcast again. I encourage all of you to go take a look, and more importantly, buy stuff. I haven’t started a store yet, but I may talk to the Overlord’s about somehow linking it to the powerful Spoilerverse.

As always, you can catch me @jaycanchu on Twitter, IG, and SC. Lots of art, tattoos, pies, cats (we are getting a third one, Ellie, and boobs). You can also email me [email protected], or [email protected] .

If you think what I write is rubbish, and it is, then I strongly advise you to check out the other creatives in the Spoilerverse, because they are uber talented.

Keep packin’

Author: Jay Roach

Jay was born and raised within a 30 mile radius of Ottawa IL, home of Scotty Bowers and a guy who was in soap operas.  His family was Catholic, somewhat filled with ’50 Ideals and conservatism, which they attempted to pass down, and lifetime Democrats.

Jay am none of that nonsense, though he is probably more liberal in social views than most of them.  He's tattooed, has two wonderful boys who are both talented, one a musician, the other designing games.  He have two ex wives that he still get along with.  Jay have two cats (Chloe and Panda Lucifer) who are ambivalent towards Jay's existence unless wet food is involved.

Previously, Jay was the cohost of My Worst Holiday, and left on good terms but will still fill in on occasion.  He now write nonsense articles about whatever grabs his fancy, from old Universal Monster movies, to lunch health, to lists that get stuck in deep in his head and has to purge them.

Jay is an amateur artist, who hopes to branch out into painting this year.  You can see his stuff on social media, or read his stuff in The Roach's Den.

Jay is pretty sure he is allowed to hang around because he have watched a LOT of Burt Reynolds movies. (This is true)

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