How to Save Spider-Man from the MCU – other than firing Tom Holland
All right gang, I think that we have had enough talk about that shit show of a movie the “Joker”, let us get back to the best character in the comics, Spider-Man.
It was just released a few weeks back that amazing, Sony and the Disney agreed to let Spider-Man come back for one more money, because, though they disagreed on many points, they both agreed that they DO like making a shit ton of money, so here we are.
But, and I can’t hope for this more, eventually the web slinger will return, he won’t be playing lackey to a B Tier character (Tony Stark/Iron Man), hopefully they reveal that he is probably a top ten smartest character in the MCU, and for the sake of Krom, let him graduate high school, and become an adult. Please…I’m begging you…please.
So, with him eventually coming back, he’s going to need some bad guys, and the correct actors to play them. Luckily, I have time on my hands, a creative imagination, and I’m not afraid to make you folks mad, so here we go!
Kraven the Hunter
George Clooney or Jeffrey Dean Morgan. I know, I’m really reaching acting wise, but this is a villain made for today. All the SJW’s complaining about big game hunting, yet not doing any research, makes him the perfect villain. He wants to hunt the most dangerous beasts, has a wall full of heads, and Spider-Man is his last challenge. There are more than a few stories out there involving him, they’re all good, and perhaps people can learn a few things as well. Looks wise, either of these actors could pull him off, with a little time in the gym, and his costume hiding flaws.
Rhino
Look, I was so excited at the end of The Amazing Spider Man 2, when Aleksei Sytsevich showed up in his Rhino suit, that I ignored the fact it was a mechanical Rhino suit. I could not WAIT for ASM3…and then the son’s of bitches gave me Tom Holland and Homecoming. There was no Rhino. There was no Aleksei. There wasn’t even a Paul Giamatti. YOU OWE ME A RHINO MOVIE GOD DAMN IT!!! And I own two ASM #41, and I’d like the boost in price please.
Venom/Carnage
Unlike many of my colleagues who claimed that they could not get through the Venom movie, I have. A few times. I took it for what it was, a movie about a great character, that they had to take liberties because of contracts and lawyers. We will not even discuss Topher Grace. Once Peter Parker Returns, some wrongs can be righted. Tom Hardy can actually pick up the books, read a little, and portray Eddie Brock properly, not like the shy, soft spoken pussy he did in the original Venom. I like Woody Harrelson as Cletus Cassiday, I think he’ll make a fine Carnage, and he can just go crazy, because Cletus Cassiday is…well…crazy. This also opens up the potential MCU Secret Wars, once it’s revealed that the symbiote initially was Spider-Man’s new suit, and he’s the reason for all the mayhem. It could be glorious with all the actors (not Tom Holland) in place.
Man Wolf
J Jonah Jameson hates Spider-Man, he loves his son John Jameson, his son is turned into Man Wolf after finding the Godstone on a mission to the Moon, so this checks a LOT of boxes on why he’d be a good character. Or, you could add Morbius to the mix, because Man Wolf was his lackey after he reattached the Moonstone to John, and BAM, you have an awesome movie. As Morbius, Jared Leto is absolutely perfect for the role. As Man Wolf, I would go with Manganiello if his Deathstroke is shelved. Daniel Gilles played him in the best Spiderman ever, if he was still in shape, I’d even consider him reprising the role.
The Living Brain
look, I love robots. You can do so much with them. My fear is they will make this robot like RoboCop, and I don’t want that. I want a robot only villain, with superhuman strength, speed, analytical ability, flight…I want a foe that pushes Peter to his physical limits, but also makes him use his incredible intelligence to beat him. And I want him made of metal. Actors who could play him/her…Bender, the Lost in Space Robot (original, not the shitty remake), or in a pinch, one of the sex robots from X Machina.
Tarantula
I love this character. I know he’s not a huge villain, only shows up on occasion, but visually, he’s a pretty solid choice. He is a martial arts master, has the agility of…well…a Spider-Man, can climb walls, and also secretes a venom. It is basically Spider-Man fighting a dumber version of himself. Granted, I don’t think that he has enough…shine…to carry a whole movie as a villain, but if paired up with…perhaps…number 7 on the list, it could be a real fun movie with lots of action sequences. I would love to see Michael Jai White, or a Jason Statham in the role. But I would not hate Kane Kosugi, Gary Daniels, or a Marrese Crump
Scorpion
Also one of my favorites. If it was my choice, they’d be 3 and 4, but reality wise, I took the people’s considerations in, and only put my first two personal choices first and second, then the masses. Initially Mac Gargan was hired as a Private Investigator by JJJ, and then JJJ made him a test subject, and eventually he is given a suit, which makes him have strength, speed, agility, stamina, and durability…basically all the things I go to the gym for, he has in a suit that makes him have superhuman levels. As I said above, the two characters are similar, but I feel they could pull clever crime capers, , give you lots of action, have good fight scenes, and be entertaining. I see Joey Ansah playing the role. He moves well, has a good look, this is the guy I want.
Black Cat
Friend, lover, enemy…the Black Cat could play many roles in the Spiderverse. Not to mention, she can add a little sexiness to the movies, her skill set makes her an elite adversary/villain, and they translate well to the screen. I know if the role came up, big name stars would probably line up. Personally, I want an actress with a martial arts background, or perhaps gymnastics, since they are part of Black Cat’s makeup. Outside the box thinking…Brittney Spears. She’s athletic, sexy, gymnastic ability…but she can’t act well. Perhaps Summer Glau, or even a Chloe Moretz.
Chameleon
Dmitri Smerdyakov is a half brother to Kraven, and he would be a fun character to make a movie around. I’d love a movie where he plays the secondary villain to Kraven. Not that he is any lesser the character, but how the MCU or Spiderman hasn’t introduced him yet is beyond me. If Jim Carrey could calm his insanity, I could see him play this role. Maybe Doug Hutchinson, though like Carrey, he’s a bit old. Clifton Collins Jr, Shawn Hatosy , or even Sean Patrick Flanery could fill the look and feel of the character. I have to admit, I’m a sucker for characters like this, or Clayface, and I feel both characters could be huge if given a chance.
Femme Fatales
I feel that this group would be a good way to interject younger actresses into the Marvel Universe, allow for a little girl empowerment to happen, and everyone is warm and fuzzy. Not to mention the fact, these characters go in and out of all of the universe, so they could be used for whatever. They are a team of four, so it allows for a lot of personality to come out. They too would be a nice pairing with The Chameleon, since he created them in the books. You have your choice of thousands of young ladies 20-30, to fill the roles of Knockout, Bloodlust, Mindblast, and Whiplash. Picture Knockout, but once the costumes wear off, you still want to watch it.
So that is how I save the Spider-Man movie franchise. I have practically written the next 4 movies or so, other than finding a fitting actor for Spider-Man. No Tom Holland, unless he adds at least 15 pounds of muscle, and can learn to act like a man, and not a boot licker. Maybe some wisecracks that are funny would help as well.
As always, you can always cuss at me on Facebook if you crack the code and find me, or Twitter and Instagram (cats, pies, and my muscles) @jaycanchu. My Twitter is filled with things rated G to R-17 (or X), so be warned. All cash donations can be sent directly to me, please get in touch.
J (Cravin’ Kraven) R