Help Me Quentin Tarantino – You’re Our Only Hope

  Guys, I had a conversation with Ol’ Kentucky this weekend, which started with him showing me a dope new comic he got, him admitting he hasn’t gotten a dick pic yet (I can only blame you guys for this), and a germ of an idea for this blog.

  Since I am writing it the very next day, you can tell that I have put ton’s of research into this, so it should deliver  a soul jarring, eye opening, bitch slapping murmur of excitement in your loins.  To open your mind like a fresh jolt of DMT, to open your soul like the first words of Jeebus.

  What am I talking about?  What If…?  Quentin Tarantino directed these movies.  Or at least remade them.  I’m not picking super successful block busters.  (Well, they aren’t all super successful block busters)  I’m picking movies that his eye might change them a little bit, add a little grit, definitely give them some clever dialog and direction, that perhaps the movie lacked.

  The sad thing is, he has said that there is a finite number of films he’s making, and after the masterpiece “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood”, there is one left.  If you haven’t seen this movie, his changing of history at the end of it (Spoiler Alert)..(late) makes the reasoning behind some of these choices, and some just because the premise is there, and it turned out lackluster, when it could have shined.  So here we go!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Titanic  

Okay, I’m starting out with a blockbuster.  This is going to fall into the changing history category.  Picture this though.  A mega ship goes through the North Atlantic, an Iceberg is spotted, and they…turn.  That’s right, classic Tarantino to lure you in, you follow the history, there is a compelling story that sneaks up on you, maybe even a love story, and in the end, everyone lives.  Jack doesn’t even freeze to death because Rose is a selfish, door hogging bitch.  Maybe a heist film…the possibilities are endless.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers   

In 1978, they remade this movie, and maybe I remember it wrong, but it just fell sort of flat to me.  I would love to see QT take a shot at horror/sci fi.  This isn’t horrible, I just think it could be done better.  QT isn’t a big CGI guy, so he’s not going to let technology overwhelm a great story.  For the record, the 1978 version is considered one of the best remakes ever.

Van Helsing

…I liked this movie.  I want it redone properly though.  I feel Dr Van Helsing has always been treated as a bit of a loon in most movies, and though this is an action flick, I’d love to see QT’s take on the good Dr.  His take on how an ordinary man with extraordinary intelligence, takes on a supernatural being, would be interesting at the very least.  Good dialog to move the story, as always a hint of humor, but you know that VH is going to be bad ass.  (Please do not cast Samuel L Jackson as VH)

Omega Man

…I am going with the Charleton Heston movie, not the shitty “I Am Legend” remake with the shitty Will Smith.   QT is a student of the 70’s, and I feel he’d capture the feel of the time, better acting from everyone, no traffic in the background, and it would be story driven, not action/star driven.

Magnificent Seven

…Look, I know they just redid it, with an All Star Cast, and really, other than Vincent D’Onofrio, Byung-Hun Lee, and a few others, it just felt like soulless crap.  The story was somewhat similar to the original (which is much better), but I still think it can be improved.  Grittier, darker, I’d love to see his take on a classic western, but also one that is based on a Japanese movie, which it is.

Battle Royale  

I know that this is one of his favorite movies, to the point he had the one girl play Gogo in Kill Bill 2, and if we were to see the Americanized version of it and not call it “The Hunger Games”, then who better to direct it than the man who studied it.  Such a good movie, I don’t want it to be redone, but if it is, then I’d like QT to do it.  Maybe Eli Roth, but for this blog, QT.

Them  

If you haven’t seen “Them”, then you need to rush right out and take a gander.  This 1954 classic should have been stolen way before this.  Atomic Tests in New Mexico cause the ants to mutate to man eating size.  America needed Fess Parker of Davy Crocket fame, James Arness of Gunsmoke, and Onslow Stevens literally everything filmed in the ‘50’s to fight them off before they wipe out the world.  I’ll be honest, I have no idea why he’d want to remake this film, but I just want people calling 12’ ants “motherfuckers”.  Samuel L Jackson is acceptable in this remake.

The Phantom Menace  

One thing QT knows, is character development.  He can make you like, or hate, a character, like no other.  One thing The Phantom Menace needed was a character, just one, that people liked.  It also needed organization (which QT would bring)  A decent story would have been nice too.  Some action, some excitement, and long term thinking would be good.  Then bring him back for the next two, and maybe he could teach Hayden Christensen to act.  Jesus, there is so much that is needed to save this shit franchise, he might need to bring in Robert Rodriguez.

Man of Steel  

Since the director botched it the first time, because his interpretation of the lead character was…lacking…why not give QT a chance.  If this happened, we wouldn’t have to be retweeting #releasethesnydercut, and instead would be #releasesnyderfromdirecting  or something along the lines.  Then we get a much better BatmanVSSuperman (though I didn’t hate the original), and a Justice League that was cohesive, dark, and probably more violent.  In fact, if this decision had been made, DC would probably be the dominant franchise, and Batman would be awesome, and we’d laud the choice of John Travolta playing him.  Do you think Brandon Routh could fly backwards around the world so we could go back in time?

Hunt To Kill  

I just watched this Stone Cold Steve Austin movie on Netflix, and it was absolute garbage.  Stone Cold was the best actor, moved like he had arthritis in every part of his body (he probably does)  QT working the craft table at this movie would have made it a better movie.  It needed better writing, better acting, and better casting.  Ugh…

  Well, there you have it gang.  QT and I just saved Hollywood (once again, this is like my third time), We saved a beloved franchise (you’re welcome Star Wars Fans), we saved comics (you’re welcome DC fans #fuckthesnydercut), and maybe even Stone Cold’s acting career (can I get a “Hell yeah”)

  I admit, I may be a bit biased.  I love Tarantino.  If he filmed Samuel L Jackson taking a poop, I’d watch it twice a year, and still call it better cinema than Star Wars. (because it is)  I don’t think there is one movie he couldn’t go back, and make better.  I know there are a few, but not too many.  (The first two Godfathers come to mind MOON PIE!!!!!)

  Go watch the extended version of “The Hateful Eight”, then @jaycanchu on Twitter or Instagram, or find me on Facebook.

  The Overlords will have all our bio’s up soon.  I wrote one, and was pretty honest on it, and it has all my links and stuff.  Stay hungry and do responsible levels of drugs kids.

Roachentino

Author: Jay Roach

Jay was born and raised within a 30 mile radius of Ottawa IL, home of Scotty Bowers and a guy who was in soap operas.  His family was Catholic, somewhat filled with ’50 Ideals and conservatism, which they attempted to pass down, and lifetime Democrats.

Jay am none of that nonsense, though he is probably more liberal in social views than most of them.  He's tattooed, has two wonderful boys who are both talented, one a musician, the other designing games.  He have two ex wives that he still get along with.  Jay have two cats (Chloe and Panda Lucifer) who are ambivalent towards Jay's existence unless wet food is involved.

Previously, Jay was the cohost of My Worst Holiday, and left on good terms but will still fill in on occasion.  He now write nonsense articles about whatever grabs his fancy, from old Universal Monster movies, to lunch health, to lists that get stuck in deep in his head and has to purge them.

Jay is an amateur artist, who hopes to branch out into painting this year.  You can see his stuff on social media, or read his stuff in The Roach's Den.

Jay is pretty sure he is allowed to hang around because he have watched a LOT of Burt Reynolds movies. (This is true)

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