The Dark Tower (2017): I’ve seen this! It was…underwhelming. I’ve read and loved the books. This film needed to be in a series. They missed out on so many great characters and plot points. The casting in the film is great. If I hadn’t read the books I’d have enjoyed this film more. Now I just see it as a missed opportunity. 3/5 six-shooters.
Gerald’s Game (2017): This has been considered one of King’s “unfilmable” stories, but here we are. Starring Carla Gugino this movie garnered decent reviews. I’m this film, Gugino is trapped in handcuffs after her husband takes too many boner pills and dies after a post coital argument (don’t you hate when that happens?). To be fair, if he’s taking boner pills with Carla Gugino, then something is terribly wrong with that man. It’s on Netflix. 3/5 boner pills.
It: The Loser’s Club (2017): I still haven’t seen this, but considering it’s not the one starring Dr Frankenfurter, it’s all good. I’ve already seen the superior version. Do the time warp (again) and watch the miniseries from the 90s. A lot of people liked it. I didn’t. But a lot of folks did. 2/5 balloons that float.
Pet Semetary (2019): How many adaptations of this are they going to do before they spell cemetery correctly. You call yourself a writer, King? 3/5 Oxford English Dictionaries.
It: Chapter 2 (2019): I still don’t care about this movie. 0/0. Next!
In The Tall Grass (2019): I have yet to see this film. I don’t know, man. I just don’t know…
Well. That’s it, y’all. You’ve made it to the end of my list. I feel like we really went through a lot during this. I think we both grew as people, and maybe even closer together as friends. I’ll tell you one thing, I’ll make sure I know how many films are in an author’s rep before I agree to summarize their entire catalog. I didn’t even include all of the made for TV miniseries. There’s a lot of good (The Stand), bad (The Langoliers) and ugly (Trucks) to delve into. In fact, his tv adaptations might be most people’s first taste of King’s stories. Something to think about for my next list. Until next time, raise hell and praise Dale. I’m out!
Editors Note: If you made it to the end of this article, email [email protected] with the subject of "I read all that Stephen King junk" for a special prize!