Guide To The Best Stephen King Films (That I’ve Probably Never Seen)

Secret Window (2004): I have never disliked a major motion picture more than I’ve disliked this one. This film was recommended to me by my parents, so my wife and I PAID MONEY TO SEE THIS IN THE THEATER! Johnny Depp couldn’t save this from being terrible. I’ve kind of erased it from my memory. I just know that early in the afternoon on March 21st, 2004 I had thirty bucks. An hour and a half later that money was gone and in its place was a receipt for two movie tickets, two drinks, a popcorn, and some sour gummies because that’s how my wife rolls. 0/5 sour patch kids. Next!

Riding The Bullet (2004): It’s about death and a roller coaster. Wheeeeeeeee! 2/5 long lines. Next!

1408 (2007): Fooled me again, King! I saw this in the theatre. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t good. John Cusack and Sam jackson are in it. He says motherfucker. I doubt that was an actual line of his, but he said it anyway. Not gonna lie: that’s pretty cool.

The Mist (2007): I’ve been wanting to watch this. Frank Darabont directed and did the screenplay. King preferred Darabont’s ending to his own, which is pretty rad. 2/5 creatures lurking in the mist.

Dolan’s Cadillac (2009): the wiki says it’s a “Canadian crime film”. Eh? I don’t really know what this is aboot. Anyway, shame about all that maple syrup or whatever. Sorry. 0/5 Christian Slater’s.

Mercy (2012): This is a film about a mystical grandma. Haven’t seen it. No rating. NEXT!

A Good Marriage (2014): I’m thinking a good marriage is one not tucked between the pages of a Stephen King book, but what do I know? A lady marries a serial killer. Sounds horrific. 2/5. NEXT!

Cell (2016): John Cusack and Samuel Jackson team up again as survivors of a mass brainwashing transmitted via cell phone signals. It’s a movie. 1/5 motherfuckers.

My Pretty Pony (2017): Okay. I think it’s safe to say that Steve is just messing with us now. 0/0 stars. Kick rocks, King!

Casey Allen

Casey Allen is a writer and editor living in Alabama.

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