Guide To The Best Stephen King Films (That I’ve Probably Never Seen)

Maximum Overdrive (1986): This is the film that made King realize he needed to slow the fuck down. [insert meme of Rick James saying “Cocaine is a powerful drug”). I’ve seen it. AC/DC does the soundtrack. It’s one of the few redeeming features. I rate this 2/5 rolled up dollar bills.

Stand By Me (1986): Do you want to see a dead body? Of course you do! This movie about a group of friends is a classic. The cast is pretty amazing. If you ever want to know the proper reaction to learning you have leaches on your nutsack, I think this film covers it. This gets 4/5 cherry pies. NEXT!

Creepshow 2 (1987): Have I seen it? No. Do I care to? No. Am I missing out? Probably. Next!

The Running Man (1987): Yeah baby! Now we’re talkin’! Arnold Schwarzenegger! Hulk Hogan! Jesse “the body” Ventura! Mick Fleetwood… huh? Well, that’s odd, but it’s no Rumour (get it? See what I did there? Quality writing!) that this rated R film is everything five year old me wanted it to be (it was the eighties, man. Different times). It’s a dystopian sci-fi action extravaganza that eschews King’s usual horror genre thrills for American Gladiator style thrills, but the stakes aren’t a tennis ball to the nuts delivered by some roided our muscle head named Nitro. Nope. The stakes are getting your head chopped off by a roided out muscle head named Nitro with a chainsaw! This film gets 6/5 “I’ll be back’s”. NEXT!!!

Pet Semetary (1989): Cool! Two in a row! They kill Eddie Munster, so that’s shitty. It didn’t make me like cats any more, either. I give this one 3/5 scalpels. Neeeeeeext!

Tales From The Darkside: The Movie (1990): King wrote a short in this film called “The Cat From Hell” (Seriously Stephen, what’s with the cats!?!), but more importantly this movie stars Debbie Harry as a witch. I give this 2/5 Blondies.

Graveyard Shift (1990): This… okay. This one is about late shift workers fighting rats, and then at the end there’s a big bat-rat thing. Fuck this movie. That’s just dumb. This gets -5/5 rat traps. Next!

Misery (1990): I’ve seen this! Kathy Bates swept the awards with this one and was given an Oscar. It was well earned. The foley artist on this movie needs to be kicked in the nuts. The sound of that sledgehammer hobbling dudes legs… that stuck with me. Some folks remember their baby’s first laugh, the first time their partner said “I love you”, the sound of the ocean on their favorite beach. Not me. For me it’s Kathy Bates breaking a dude’s legs. Fuck you, Misery. 5/5 sledgehammers.

Sleepwalkers (1992): I actually saw this one just recently. It’s worth it just for the sheer “what the hell am I watching” factor. So…it’s about cat-people shapeshifting vampires, but they can be hurt by cats, so they’re not really cats. It’s… um… not his best work. It’s straight up bonkers. This time the cats are good, but everyone knows they’re not. Not really. Cats are assholes. 2/5 bags of meow mix.

The Dark Half (1993): I’ve read the book. I thought it was ok. I didn’t know there was a film. It probably reflects on the quality of the film. It has Mary Poppins in it as the sheriff. This film gets 1/5 absorbed twins.

Casey Allen

Casey Allen is a writer and editor living in Alabama.

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