Guide To The Best Stephen King Films (That I’ve Probably Never Seen)

It’s officially Halloween season. It Chapter 2 has been out for about a month, and with that, folks comparing it to Stephen King films from days past. The thing is, I haven’t seen It Chapter 2. Hell, I haven’t seen the first one. I’m not gonna let that stop me, though. I’m a presumably red blooded, white guy with a beard. I’ve probably got some hard opinions on all of the Stephen King films, whether I’ve seen them or not, right? Yes. Yes, I do.

Let’s make a list, shall we?

Carrie (1976): What better way to celebrate the bicentennial than dumping a bunch of pig’s blood on an awkward teen? I’ve actually seen this film and it’s ok. It’s been a while. I do remember a few girls from my high school being way too into it, but they didn’t burn down my school or anything, so that’s good. I give this movie 3/5 buckets of pig’s blood. Next.

Salem’s Lot (1979): This was a TV movie, but it counts because if there’s one thing Stephen King likes, it’s made for TV movies (and miniseries). Also, magical black people. He really likes those ( Trust me, it’s a thing). I assume this movie’s about real estate? I don’t know. I give this film 1/5 “for-sale” signs because I’ve never seen it and I haven’t had anyone try to get me to see it. Next.

The Shining (1980): Okay, this one I’ve seen. It’s not bad. It’s directed by the guy that faked the moon landing, unless it’s the tv remake that sucks, which was directed by Stephen King. If it were remade today, would they keep the “Here’s Johnny” line? Who would they replace it with? I don’t watch late-night tv, and the only name I can think of is James Cordon. So he’d scream “James Cordon!”. Wow. If that’s the case she’d probably say, “Fuck… Really? Just kill me please!” because James Cordon is fucking awful. I give this film 4/5 bathtubs full of blood, unless it’s the tv version. In that case, I give it 5/5 James Cordons and that’s not a good thing because, as I’ve previously stated, they both suck. What’s that? Next? Oh yeah! NEXT!!!

Creepshow (1982): This film keeps autocorrecting to “Creeps how” in my phone, making it look like an instructional video for creeps. Not a good look Stephen. Never seen it, 1/5 question marks. NEXT!

Cujo (1983): I’ve never seen this one, either, but I had a neighbor with a dog named Cujo and he took a dump on my Knightrider Bigwheel. Eat a bag of dicks, Cujo! No score! NEXT!

The Dead Zone (1983): Okay, I’m gonna pretend I’ve seen this one because I used to watch the tv adaptation on USA network with the kid from Weird Science. He didn’t create a supermodel girlfriend or fight a pack of mutant bikers, so it was just ok. Also, the film version has Christopher Walken, and I have a really good Christopher Walken impersonation. I’ve read this entire description of the film in his voice and you didn’t even know it, but if you were here right now, you’d be rolling! 5/5 idiosyncratic dialogue deliveries! How about a NEXT!

Christine (1983): Holy shit, Stephen! Chill out dude! You’ve made a ton of movies this year. You know what I was doing in ‘83? Shitting my pants because I was one. I saw this movie a few years ago on cable and it was ok, I guess. I mean, horror cars are dumb. I think the scariest part of that film is the fact that a teen is behind the wheel. 3/5 insurance rate increases. Uh…next!

Children Of The Corn (1984): Okay, this one legit creeped me out and probably ensured that seasonal corn mazes didn’t take the world by storm, because what’s better than stumbling around lost a corn field for a few hours? I’ll tell you: stumbling around lost a corn field for a few hours in the dark and possibly breaking up with your girlfriend in the process. You wanted to go to the stupid corn maze, Karen! I wanted to stay in and watch MASH reruns. Nobody wins a corn maze! I give this one 4/5 boxes of my stuff put out on the curb while I’m at work. What about that last 1/5 still at Karen’s house? That would be my hoodies. Son of a bitch! NEXT!

Firestarter (1984)/Cats Eye (1985): Ive seen half of Firestarter and all of Cat’s Eye. Both of them star baby Drew Berrymore, so that’s a thing. I give this 5/5 because she actually seems like a normal-ish person to have grown up in Hollywood. Good job, Drew. NEXT!

Silver Bullet (1985): Haven’t seen it. I’m assuming werewolves, but I don’t know. No score. NEXT!

Casey Allen

Casey Allen is a writer and editor living in Alabama.

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