Give a Man a Pie, and He’s Happy For a Day – Teach a Man to Bake, He Gets Diabetes

Pies Part Duex

Read part one by clicking here.

This is mostly for the fella’s out there.  I am going to walk you through how to make a pineapple pie.  It’s really simple, most people have never had it, and it is a little involved, but still easy

1)  Get disposable pie tins.  They are cheap, you can throw them away, and not feel bad.  You use a real pie tin, they aren’t that expensive, but half the time you forget, and lose them.  You can get 5 for $3.  A pie tin is $6.

2)  You will need:  Whisk, basting brush, small fork, bowl, and either pie rings (best invention ever)(well, for pie making) or aluminum foil, paring Knife

3)  Ingredients A) Pre Made Pie Crust (it’ll save you an hour or two minimum) B) 22oz can of crushed Pineapple  C)Sugar I suggest a half cup, but sugar to taste.  Crushed pineapple is pretty sweet.  You can substitute fake sugar, though you will give the gift of the shits if you use too much  D)  Corn Starch E)  Cinnamon F) Cinnamon/Sugar grinder G)  Rum

Okay gang, first you take the rum, put it over ice, and add whatever mixer you prefer, and have a little cocktail.  Spiced rum is the best for that Christmas feel.

Next, take out your pie dough, and let them sit out about 20 minutes, to get to room temps.  Take them out of the bags, so they thaw.  Cold Pie doughs are stiff, and break and tear.  So let them sit out for a bit, sip your cocktail, and move on,

One egg cracked in the bowl and whisk. 

Set out your pie tin

While this is happening, open up your can of pineapple.  Put it in a saucepan.  Take a ½ cup of sugar, and pour it on in.  Take 3 TBS of corn starch, and add it in.  Some recipes call for a liquid to be added, either milk or water.  Most say mix the corn starch with this.  Crushed pineapple is pretty moist, so I skip this.  If you grab the wrong pineapple, then liquid might be beneficial.  Set a low heat, and start to stir it.  I prefer a whisk when stirring, but really, a fork or spoon works.  I let that cook for around five to eight minutes.  The corn starch and sugar blends in, it thickens a bit (it will thicken more when baked, so don’t fret if it is still runny)  I take it off the heat, and let it start to cool off.

By this time, the pie crusts are ready.  Take one, unroll it, and put it gently in the pie tin.  Spread it out, take your fingers and gently wrap it to the tin, so that its still hanging over the lip on all sides.  You can do it however you want, but I’m OCD, and it has to cover the lip in my house.  Be a savage and don’t cover the lip, your pies will look ghetto AF.

Once it is situated, take your paring knife (ive used a steak, prefer paring), and gently trim the edge of the dough away, flush as possible to the outside lip, so the tin is covered.

Take your basting brush, dip it in the whipped eggs, and paint the lip, and sides of the crust.  I like doing this, because it seems to give it a richer color, and add a little moistness when cooking.  Liberally coat it, but don’t go crazy.  You can’t use too much.

Now, In Illinois, you can set stuff outside this time of year, and it cools quickly.  So like the cooking shows, we’ll pretend we did that, and you take the cooled filling you made, and you pour it right in the pie shell that is all egged up.

Then, you unroll the other pie shell, and put it over the filled tin.  Then when its place so everything is covered, you cut slits in the top.  Move to the outside, and take the small fork.  My ex wife left me a Dora The Explorer mini fork (she used them for her lunches) and it is absolutely perfect for pinching the edges of pies.  (I’m pretty sure she left the one for behind because she knows I use them for this, and I make her pies)  You go all around the whole lip, and score it, thus pinching the dough together.  The egg helps create a seal, and life is grand.

Now get out the ol’ paring knife, and cut the excess dough from the lip.  I like doing it after its scored, because its pinched, and in place.

Take the basting brush, and liberally coat the top crust.  Once this is done, take your Grinder (not that one Kenric) and apply the Cinnamon/sugar mix.  This will help add a little color to your crust, make it a nice golden brown.

Now you are almost ready to bake.  You either have to wrap your lip with aluminum foil, or you can use your pie rings to put on it.  I used to use aluminum foil, and it takes forever.  Even with practice…forever.  Make sure you spray Pam or whatever on the bottom of them before placing on, so they come off nicely, and don’t tear up your crust. (they still do sometimes, such is pie life.

  Place in your oven that is set at 425 degrees and preheated. ( 220 C)  Set your timer for 25 minutes.  Clean up, make another drink, and sit for a few minutes, enjoying the smells of the bake.  When the timer goes off, reset it for 25 minutes, and remove the pie rings.  You may think you can do it with one oven mitt…you cannot.  Use two, grab on opposite sides, and remove.

If using aluminum foil, you will just figure it out.  It sticks more than the rings, and can be frustrating.

  In 25 minutes, check out your pie.  It should be goldenish brown, and looking all pretty like the ones on my Instagram. @jaycanchu  You might need a few more minutes to get the color crust you want.  The egg wash and Grinder (stop it Kenric, not that one) will add a brown to it that makes it look pretty.

See kids, easy peasy lemon squeezy.  Any moron can make a pie, I am proof of that.  And I have made approximately 150 over the last 5 years, so I know a little.

If you use a filling out of a can, you can just open said can, and plop it in your pie crust.  Easier Peasier.

As usual, I am on Instagram and Twitter @jaycanchu.  You can see my pies, and my muscles, and my shit talking to @rslavinsky.  All complaints and dick pics go to @xKenricX.

                                      Happy Pie Eating

The Artist Formally Known as JR

Author: Jay Roach

Jay was born and raised within a 30 mile radius of Ottawa IL, home of Scotty Bowers and a guy who was in soap operas.  His family was Catholic, somewhat filled with ’50 Ideals and conservatism, which they attempted to pass down, and lifetime Democrats.

Jay am none of that nonsense, though he is probably more liberal in social views than most of them.  He's tattooed, has two wonderful boys who are both talented, one a musician, the other designing games.  He have two ex wives that he still get along with.  Jay have two cats (Chloe and Panda Lucifer) who are ambivalent towards Jay's existence unless wet food is involved.

Previously, Jay was the cohost of My Worst Holiday, and left on good terms but will still fill in on occasion.  He now write nonsense articles about whatever grabs his fancy, from old Universal Monster movies, to lunch health, to lists that get stuck in deep in his head and has to purge them.

Jay is an amateur artist, who hopes to branch out into painting this year.  You can see his stuff on social media, or read his stuff in The Roach's Den.

Jay is pretty sure he is allowed to hang around because he have watched a LOT of Burt Reynolds movies. (This is true)

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