Deathstalker – Oh god what did I watch

There’s a movie, called Deathstalker. You can watch it on Amazon. We talked about it on the “Deathstalker and the Nam” episode. I highly recommend NOT watching it. I’m not using reverse psychology, seriously don’t watch it. Unless you really want to see every female character in a movie get rapped, don’t watch it.

Amazing poster art by Boris Valejo.

The only real positive about this movie is the poster has some incredible art from Boris Valejo, who was one of my favorite painters when I was a teenager. I still really enjoy his work, along with Julie Bell. Their Marvel Masterpiece paintings are still some of my favorites. I also enjoyed the costumes and set pieces in this movie. Literally everything else about this is terrible. Though I guess if you like tits and rape it’s for you. I like one of those things, and it’s not the latter.

Ok, now enjoy this conversation we had about this movie.


Kenric telling us to watch it

Kenric:
Casey did you watch deathstalker?

Casey:
No
Didn’t have enough time

Kenric:
It’s so bad
Lol

John:
What is deathstalker?

Kenric:
It’s on Amazon prime
Go watch it on your phone

John:
uhm….
I’m scared

Kenric:
Lol
Just do it
There is a lot of boobies shown

John:
Oh, I’ll cast it to the big screen in the office

Kenric:
Perfect

Casey watching the movie

Casey:
Watching death stalker
Idk if I’ll make it

Kenric:
Hahahaha
I warned you man
Its so bad

John:
Hahaa
We talk about that tomorrow
I’ll watch it tonight

Kenric:
I finished it
Just. Because it was a like train wreck

Casey:
Goddammmm they startin this shit off hard
RAAAAAAAPE!

Kenric:
Ya man … thats every other scene a chick is getting or almost getting raped

Casey:
Not even minute after the opening credits

Casey:
Omg, the Foley art on this is fucking hilarious

Kenric:
Hahahha what those sounds are spot on

Casey:
This swordwoman has the weirdest tits I’ve ever seen
Seriously, if my wife were here I’d say “hey, look at dem weird ass tiddies!”

Kenric:
Hahaha dude. .. do you think she was like.. what the fuck … I’m just gonna walk around the set with my tits out?

Casey:
Lol
For real

Kenric:
Swing this .. no no keep the tits out

Casey:
They could have revealed that she was a woman much easier

Kenric:
Lol
Do you like that even the good guys are the women?
Fuck
Do you like that even the good guys RAPE the women?

Casey:
No. That shit is fucked up

Kenric:
So weird right?

Casey:
Even Conan has a code of ethics
And he gets mad pussy, yo

Kenric:
I’d like to think even in 1982 you would watch that and say no what the fuck

Casey:
For real

Kenric:
I save you from that guy raping you .. now that your safe … let me take your top off and slide my tip in

Casey:
Yeah. This is terrible

John:
Can’t wait to talk about this

Kenric:
Hahahhah cant say I didnt warn you
Did you finish it?

Casey:
I tapped out

Kenric:
How far did you get?

Casey:
To the scene where they’re in the castle with the mud wrestlers

Kenric:
I think that’s like half way or so

Casey:
Yeah
I’m watching Toast Of London on Netflix now
I needed something funny

Kenric:
Lol I domt blame you

John:
Did you finish?
I’ll watch it too

Casey:
It was rough, man. I’m in a bad mood and needed something funny

John Watching the movie

John:
I’m doing it….
And wow, this is bad.
“This isn’t my day either”
“Power is nothing if given to you!”

Holy shit this is bad

Kenric:
Hahaha

John:
Jesus this is so fucking bad, (this movie)
And so many tits for no reason.
Oh look, muddy wrestling and more rape
Are we sure this isn’t just some rape fantasy movie?
I almost feel bad for watching this on my work computer

Kenric:
That would not surprise me

John:
I kinda want to just do a rape count of this movie, but then I I would just feel bad

Kenric:
It’s like s really bad D&D campaign by a 13 yr old DM

John:
Yeah, it’s like this movie REALLY wants to include the sex like in Caligula, but can’t be THAT graphic, so it does the best it can

Kenric:
Yup

John:
I can hear the executive producer on this now
“Look, RAPE was a real thing in these days, so we just need to lean into the rape.”

Kenric:
Hahaha

John:
“Clearly woman had their tits out all the time back then, they hadn’t invented bras yet. So pull the tits out and get raped already!”

Kenric:
Just lean into it
Go balls deep

John:
Oh they did

Kenric:
The rape from the ad guys isn’t even as bad as then rape from the good guys
The good guys succeed in their raping

John:
Right?
It’s like everyone’s a rapist

Kenric:
Its seriously odd
You would think someone anyone would have called this out

John:
Oh good, they are strapping some girl to a wall to get raped I assume
And this pig faced dude is like “MEE”
Same pig faced guy who at a pig in the last scene
Yup, he’s going to rape her
WHATS THIS! A MUDDY CHAMPION APPEARS TO SAVE THE LADY!
And now it’s a massive brawl?
Oh look, a new drunk rapist

Kenric:
Ya

John:
And Deathstalker just sits back sighing, Go ahead, rape her I don’t care

Kenric:
Hahahaha

John:
But then the blonde girl is like NOPE and he’s like FINE! I’ll get up and unchain her I GUESS
I swear to god if he goes and rapes her now I’m done with this

Kenric:
Excited to talk deathstalker? This might be a good section to talk about the culture of Hollywood before the me too movement

John:
“Are you planning on taking her with you?” “For the night anyway”
WHAT THE FUCK he was going to rape her

Kenric:
Ya man hahahahha

Casey:
I honestly don’t think it will be a good thing about just because of the insane amount of rape in the film

Kenric:
Does your head hurt yet?
Ya … your probably right Casey

John:
I’ve put 40 minutes into this already
Oh cool, pig dude ripped a guys arm off to beat someone else with it AND NOW THERES A PILLOW FIGHT
I kinda think we SHOULD talk about this AND point out JUST HOW HORRIBLE it is

Kenric:
Ya but not compare to metoo

John:
JESUS the scene RIGHT After all that is ANOTHER rape scene?!?!?
Jesus this is terrible

Kenric:
Yup

John:
And the girl just does “oh, not again”
And the creep dude is caressing her ass
How the fuck did you come across this movie man?
Did you look up “most rape scenes in a rated R movie”
Oh not the bad guy transformed a dude into a chick to seduce and kill Deathstalker
And he can’t help but fondle himself
This is the kind of movie that needs an audio commentary of WTF

Kenric:
Honestly I saw the cover on prime video and thought cool Conan knock off
Then I watched it and I was like ohhhh I need a shower and a rosary to recite my hail marys
Because that was uncomfotable

John:
Yeah, this is….something
Maybe we talk about it, or maybe we just mention it. I think we could just write up a blog post “how not to make your fantasy movie”
Rule #1) don’t have everyone rape everyone
Oh cool, Deathstalker is gonna rape the dude turned girl that just tried to kill him
WHAT THE HELL

Kenric:
Hahaha

John:
Oh my god man.
“Let’s get you something to wear and get you out of here” she’s says with her tits out
Now she’s sword fighting in a cloak with her tits flapping around

Casey:
Those are some flappy tits

John:
At least she killed the creep
Oh good, pig faced died
And no-one has been raped in the last 15 minutes
COMING UP! Deathstalkers vs The Sorcerer that turned a dude into a chick with his MIND! (That Deathstalker raped, then kicked out of his room, then this girl/dude tried to rape the blonde girl, stabbed her, then got stabbed and they all died)
OH that didn’t last, people getting raped again
Oh but at least the rapist are getting stabbed
Some of them, but oh god
WTF he has Thor like powers with the sword?
It comes to him?
NOW He’s raising if over his head like he’s HEMAN
Oh, to get the amulet.
logical
Oh good, I was worried no-one would get beheaded in this.
OH WTF he’s putting his head back on his body?

Kenric:
lol

John:
“It’s an an illusion! You have the power Deathstalker!”

Kenric:
it should be shown in college classes of what you don’t do

John:
Was it all an illusion when he made that dude a chick? So Deathstalker was just seeing a chick?
Wait, he’s NOT killing the sorcerer?
Just going to shop up the chalice huh?
Ohh goodie, he threw him to the crowd, I wonder if they will rape him
Cont confirm nor deny if they raped him, but they certainly did something
….

Kenric:
lol

John:
THATS how it ends?

Kenric:
nice play by play

John:
Holds the sword up and the chalice up
I DESTROY YOU
And the universe is just like “yeah, ok”
Ok, well that was a thing I just watched.
That we have all watched.
Alright, let’s watch Deathstalker II

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