Count Me Out – Ranking the Draculas

Gang, I have been slacking lately, and I apologize.  I took on an art project for the beautiful Sara Kay. She is a giant Halloween fan, so I whipped up some witches for her.   It turned out pretty good, thanks for asking.

  Between drawing, I got on the Twitter machine, and somebody was ranking something or other,  and I was watching Dracula, and I got to thinking…I have seen a LOT of vampires in my time, I should probably rank them.  So here we are, and we are starting out with the best, and go from there.

 Bela Lugosi…When I think of Dracula, I think of his piercing eyes, his slow speech, his thick accent, and his iconic outfit.  Every Halloween vampire is dressed like him

Count Orlok, played by Max Shreck, in the 1922 silent film Nosferatu.  Tall, thin, elongated limbs, and he looks like he sat in a grave for a few years before he came out, this guy creeps me out every time.

Vlad Tepes…Ruling a country that was right smack dab in the middle of the Christians and Muslims, in a sense in a middle of a tug of war for his allegiance, this guy had an interesting solution.  He would capture armies, and instead of killing them outright, would grease up the ol’ poop shoot, and put them on pikes along the road, so when other armies came through, they smelled the carnage, and then saw the horrifying images of hundreds, if not thousands of soldiers sliding down the pikes

Elizabeth Bathory…A Countess from Hungary, she was a woman ahead of her time.  She ran most of her husbands business, because he was often away.  Well educated, well bred, and she wouold often hire young girls from the local villages to work for her, and have a better life.  Unfortunately, she would then torture, beat, starve, then allegedly bathe in their blood, because she felt that was keeping her youthful looking.

Gary Oldman…I love me some Gary Oldman, because the guy really gets into a character.  He played Count Dracula in 1992, and absolutely nailed it.  I wasn’t a huge fan of his look, but looking back, he’s been around for hundreds of years, accumulated all sorts of wealth, and is eccentric because, well, he’s been around hundreds of years, so I forgive the look, applaud his performance, and it is a really pretty movie, with some cool camera tricks

LeStat…1994 brought us Tom Cruise playing the Vampire Lestat, and his tortured sidekick, Louis (played by the dreamy Brad Pitt).  I like the movie, I didn’t care for Tom Cruise in the role, but in the book, LeStat is cooler than the other side of the pillow, so we’ll go with that version.  Louis was a bit whiny, tortured that he gets to live forever, misses his family, etc.

Count Chocula…Not gonna lie, as a kid, I loved this cereal.  Made before the healthy sugar levels of today, it was delicious, and made your milk delicious, and so it made for a complete, unhealthy breakfast.  Now, there is less sugar, the cereal actually feels waxy in your mouth, and the milk has less flavor (though I still drink it, I’m not a god damn savage)

Deacon Frost, Damaskinos, and Drake.  I’m going to lump them together as the Blade Vampires.  I thought that Stephen Dorff was great as Deacon Frost.  Smug, confident, but still in the shadows, I liked him.  Next I liked Drake, played by Dominic Purcell.  The original vampire was quiet, in great shape, and a man of few words, but ancient wisdom.  Finally Damaskinos, played by Thomas Kretschmann.  I liked the twist that he was an evolved vampire, who also fed on vampires, but he got edged out.  I love the Blade movies, so I am biased.

Christopher Lee…He played Dracula in the 70’s, and did a nice job.  Maybe not the most classic looking Dracula, but  his performance shone in movies that were, well B Movies

John Carradine…this will be my last actor of the old ones, and of the era, he was my least favorite.  He just didn’t have the feel of Dracula, the look was okay but a bit off, or I am spoiled by Lugosi.  I’m pretty sure it’s the latter.

Jerry Dandridge…Played by Chris Sarandon in Fright Night, I saw this in the theatres, and was totally unimpressed.  It had a fun concept, but as a vampire, Chris Sarandon was not good.  Roddy McDowell was good in this though.

David….The Lost Boys…I know I am in the minority, but this movie was absolute garbage.  Kiefer Sutherland looked cool, but in reality, played a shit vampire.  That goes for the rest of his gang.  They drew too much attention to themselves for any self respecting vampire.

Edward Cullen…he sparkles…he fucking sparkles

J (Count Rockula) R

Author: Jay Roach

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