Guys, I just binge watched “The Boys” on a borrowed Amazon Prime password, and it was quite possibly the best money I never spent. I really enjoyed the series, and I really thought that they captured the boredom, the rock star, and eventually the apathy that comes with being a superhero, and basically physically better than everyone else.
Of course, this got me thinking, and into a discussion with one of my friends, about what powers I would hope to have if I had been lucky and been raised in a lab, instead of by my parents. Sadly, I have put more thought into this over the years than anyone should have.
But, the best part, is you can have these powers and be flawed humans, and not live by Superman’s standards, or the Justice League, or whatever do-gooder group you prefer. No, you can now be a hero or a shit bag, with super powers.
Top 5 Powers I Want
- I’m not going to lie, I really don’t want the supreme powers of a Superman, or a Thanos, or even a Homelander. That is a LOT of pressure, and more importantly, a lot of work. I don’t want that. I want to specialize, do missions, and have some off time. So the power I want most is the power of invisibility. I know what you’re thinking, it’s a pretty lame power, and I’d spend most my time in women’s locker rooms, probably steal some cash here and there so I don’t have to work…I’m not denying it, you’re right. I AM checking out naked women, and try to prove the theory wrong that if you look at them long enough, they get boring. I am going to skim cash from people who are making illegal money. I’m probably going to gamble on sports, and cause havoc so the teams I bet on win. I never claimed to be a truly good person, now did I.
- If I can’t be invisible, I want to learn to do the Jedi Mind Trick. I want to be able to influence how people think, what they say, and how they act. I want people to know these aren’t the droids they are looking for. I want to be in Vegas and convince them to fold with a Royal Flush. Look, I promise to put my time in, talk to world leaders, get them to go along with whatever the government comes up with that is reasonable, but a man has to eat. And live in a nice house. And drive nice cars that they get for practically nothing. And have attractive women hang out around the pool until they bore me. I really sound like Dan Blizerian. I so want to be Dan Blizerian
- Super Strength. Yep, I want muscles, but not bulky like I was drawn by Liefeld, I want to be sleek like SpiderMan. Or Deadpool. I don’t need to be the strongest guy, but strong enough I don’t lose push up contests, can lift cars off of people, maybe stop a train. Yet still fit in normal, every day clothes. And have a butt. When you have a flat butt, developing one takes a lot of work. In two years, I now have a muscular flat ass. God damn it.
- I’d like to fly. For one reason. I’m cheap. Plane tickets are expensive. I could UPS my clothes, and be anywhere in the world in a few hours. I could make money doing air shows. I could be more accurate than a drone. I could deliver organs to hospitals. I could save lives damn it.
- Super healing. I’m diabetic. I heal really slow. I don’t have insurance. I’m afraid of coming down with something, and not knowing it, and dying a horrible death. And healthcare is so expensive.
5 Powers I Would Not Want
- Honestly, I don’t care if I could breathe underwater, or talk with fish. Don’t get me wrong, Aquaman has always been one of my favorite characters, but I really have zero interest in these abilities. If I had them, I guess I could spend all my time winning Pro Bass Tours, maybe be on Dangerous Catch, or that Tuna Fishing show, but that would get boring, winning all the time.
- Laser eyes. Don’t get me wrong, laser eyes are really cool, but I’m sort of an asshole. You cut me off, I’m laser eyeing you. I’m probably doing your gas tank, so it looks like an accident, but you aren’t living long enough to do it again. To me, laser eyes would be a good secondary thing, but if its your main power…meh. Nobody every clambors for more Cyclops. Superman has a pretty good handle on his, but if he ever got mad…he’s ripping you apart with his superstrength, not zapping you with his eyes.
- The Human Torch. Do you know how expensive flame retardant clothing is? Me either, and instead of researching it, I’m going to guess that it is expensive, and not that trendy. What if you have a dream, flame on in it, and burn down your house? You’ll NEVER get home insurance. Or it will be outrageous. Now granted, you are the star at bonfires, cookouts, and lighting cigarettes, but after that, you are one big liability.
- Being stretchy. Granted, who doesn’t want a penis that can be any size, and have the ability to bring you a beer, but other than an NBA career, or maybe the NFL, you are a window washer. Or a light bulb changer. You are the best maintenance man ever. No union would let you in, because you are too efficient, but other than the prehensile penis, I just don’t see much future in it.
- Super Speed. That seems like a LOT of work. Granted, you can eat whatever you want, needing 3000 calories an hour, but A Train, the Flash, Quicksilver…I bet they are always at the track, working out, sweating. I mean, other than the ability to run through people, thus making them vapor, what else is there. You can deliver shit? You get to be an errand boy to whatever faction you join. Plus working out. And 3000 healthy calories a day is hard enough, but an hour? You are drinking a shit ton of protein shakes to repair your muscles. And you can’t get drunk. No thanks.
That is my personal list. As you can see, most my powers would be money motivated, because I am shallow, want lots of money, don’t want to work hard for it, but I also understand it is in my best interest to help others.
Unfortunately I have loose morals, a strong libido, and am very thrifty, so these powers fit my need, or any combination of them.
Be safe and be a superhero to others. As always, my one super power is not having Twitter followers, so feel free to add me and leave me mean comments. I’m at @jaycanchu on twitter, and if you look for jaycanchu, you can find me on most platforms.
Author: Jay Roach
Jay was born and raised within a 30 mile radius of Ottawa IL, home of Scotty Bowers and a guy who was in soap operas. His family was Catholic, somewhat filled with ’50 Ideals and conservatism, which they attempted to pass down, and lifetime Democrats.
Jay am none of that nonsense, though he is probably more liberal in social views than most of them. He's tattooed, has two wonderful boys who are both talented, one a musician, the other designing games. He have two ex wives that he still get along with. Jay have two cats (Chloe and Panda Lucifer) who are ambivalent towards Jay's existence unless wet food is involved.
Previously, Jay was the cohost of My Worst Holiday, and left on good terms but will still fill in on occasion. He now write nonsense articles about whatever grabs his fancy, from old Universal Monster movies, to lunch health, to lists that get stuck in deep in his head and has to purge them.
Jay is pretty sure he is allowed to hang around because he have watched a LOT of Burt Reynolds movies. (This is true)