Greetings Citizens. I’ve had a whole decade to come up with this list, so I can pretty much guarantee that you will disagree with me on about half of it. It’s along one, so without too much fanfare, here we go!
1. Trap Music
There are so many Lil’s out there, I can’t keep my rappers straight. Then they ran out of those rap names, and now have formed crews, which you differentiate by letters. I’ll be honest, I know more about this than I should. The only thing consistent with it is a LOT of them are criminals, they start making money and are too stupid not to be arrested again (or old charges catch up), and every six months one OD’s on Sizzurp, Fentanyl, or something else, and everyone calls them a legend. The only real consistent thing is that the music sucks, the high hat is annoying, the fact that it’s all auto-tuned and they sing/rap in a monotone…god damn it I know way too much about this.
2. Star Wars Trilogy’s
The first trilogy was pretty perfect (4,5,6). The second trilogy was god awful (1,2,3). The last trilogy was a resounding failure (7,8, I didn’t bother with 9, but non nerd reviews are pretty cruel to it). It is time that they rethink their plan. I know that Disney spent a shit load of money on the franchise, but unless they release a bunch of movies that are good (Solo, Rogue One) to cleanse our palate and erase our memories, they are slowly killing the franchise with commercialism.
Look, I understand if you work outdoors, the extra protection that a beard gives you is much needed. Other than that, there is no reason for a guy to have a beard, ironic or not. I had to listen to two grown men have a conversation about what beard oil they use to keep their beard soft. For fucks sake. For fucks sake. I wished for an asteroid to hit the earth at that moment.
4. Every day is national something day
Stop it, just stop it. I have enough problems remembering who Casmir Pulaski is, and why we celebrate him, I don’t need to try and remember when National Donut Day is. (First Friday in June)
Do you really think Warner Brothers cares that 200000 people signed a petition to #releasethesnydercut? That is 6/1000 or a percent of the population. And that is a big pointless petition. I see a new one every few weeks, even more pointless than that one. #fuckthesnydercut
Look, if you are working on a project (book, movie, music, etc…) and you crowd source it, I’m fine with that. You have your built in audience/fans, and if they want to take their hard earned money, and put it towards a dream, well, I’ve done it myself more than a few times this year. I’m talking about the nonstop begging now a days. Call me cold and heartless, because I am, but there’s a reason you folks have insurance. I’m sorry it doesn’t cover you staying in a hotel while they/you get treatment. You got fired because you had the flu, and now can’t pay the rent? That sucks, but they can’t fire you for being sick, what dumb things did you do before that? Every WalMart has some group outside collecting, every convenience store has a jug because someone got sick, every week there is a benefit. If I find out I have a life threatening disease, I’m not telling anyone. Of course, I don’t have insurance, so it’ll be too late before I find out. Thanks Obama.
7. Sports teams celebrating a last second victory, and they are so far out of the playoffs they aren’t allowed to buy a ticket.
I’m not a fan of choreographed celebrations, and the fact that every team has to have a stupid nickname as well, or their fans do. Fuck you ESPN, I full blame you. And god damn it, you killed the mid range jumper, it’s all dunks and threes so they can get on your highlights.
8. Variant Covers
Look, every once in awhile is cool, but I’m reading an ASM story, and each month I was buying 2 or 3 variants. For a bit, the story was good (until 2099 got involved), but not $16 a month good. I really wish they would go back to lesser quality paper, more affordable books, and less titles. Or at least less titles for the same character. I don’t need the Joker in every DC story. You have many other awesome villains, give them a chance. You don’t need that many Batman titles either.
9. Successful Movie Remakes
I get that the film was amazing the first time. Sometimes those films caught lightning in a bottle. (Robocop, Magnificent Seven, Footloose, Halloween, etc…) I don’t think updating the soundtrack to hip hop, using a too similar story, and adding the flavor of the week to star makes any better cinema. It makes a lazy effort, sullies the reputation of the franchise, and makes me avoid anything else on the subject. There are a 1000 really bad original movies that you could remake. Hollywood has been guilty of this since they took all the silent films and made them talkies, so it’ll never change.
10. Stop adding a hip hop soundtrack to almost every movie.
I will give Star Wars credit, they have used symphony music for 40 years, and it fits it perfectly. As a western fan, when I’m watching a movie set in the 1800’s, and somebody starts rapping, I’m assuming that the movie will be a piece of shit. Nothing comes to mind that proves me wrong, so stop it. I don’t want to see a bunch of 1920’s gangsters having a shootout to Warren G.
Whew! Just typing this list got me worked up. Just thinking of this list got me worked up. Damn it, now I’m worked up!
If you agree, or in Robert’s case disagree with every one of these, please feel free to get in touch on IG or Twitter @jaycanchu. I have a perfect response record, because nobody has ever gotten in touch with me on there regarding Spoiler Country.
On a positive note, the one thing I hope stays, and gets bigger and bigger, is Spoiler Country. The guys have given me a spot to fill your head with utter nonsense, let me rant about inane subjects, tell you about my passions, and troll Robert and Casey (it’s the fucking Godfather for Christ’s sake) on a semi regular basis.
A side story on that. I was in a FB group, and someone pasted an article where Scorsese said he never saw the movie “Joker”, and said “Why should I”. All the mid twenty and unders jumped on him, and proceded to rip all his work, saying the”Godfather” was horrible (blasphemy), and “The Irishman” was three boring hours. I put the same argument, boiled down, that I did in a previous article/blog on here, and I’m waiting to get booted from the group.
Have a great day everyone, and remember, my birthday is in February, so it’s never too early to start shopping for me. I’m a size Hulk 181.
Author: Jay Roach
Jay was born and raised within a 30 mile radius of Ottawa IL, home of Scotty Bowers and a guy who was in soap operas. His family was Catholic, somewhat filled with ’50 Ideals and conservatism, which they attempted to pass down, and lifetime Democrats.
Jay am none of that nonsense, though he is probably more liberal in social views than most of them. He's tattooed, has two wonderful boys who are both talented, one a musician, the other designing games. He have two ex wives that he still get along with. Jay have two cats (Chloe and Panda Lucifer) who are ambivalent towards Jay's existence unless wet food is involved.
Previously, Jay was the cohost of My Worst Holiday, and left on good terms but will still fill in on occasion. He now write nonsense articles about whatever grabs his fancy, from old Universal Monster movies, to lunch health, to lists that get stuck in deep in his head and has to purge them.
Jay is pretty sure he is allowed to hang around because he have watched a LOT of Burt Reynolds movies. (This is true)